Secret Watchers of Harmless Bloggers

Hello to all and any, and a very Happy New Year to you!

As some of you know, I am greatly concerned with the tide of Conservatism suppressing women, gays and minorities in our country, blended with the militarization of our Homeland police and security forces occurring in the United States these days.  We're setting ourselves up for a fascist state, and if you don't believe me remember the "papers please" law in Arizona, or the police attacks on Occupy Oakland and the horrific pepper spray attacks at Davis.

I received a little "security shock" of my own the other day.  We amateur writers love to check our statistics with apps like "Statcounter" or "Sitemeter" -- these 'visitor counters' give us an idea of who is reading us -- if anybody!!  I have been pleasantly surprised to find that in my year off far more people than I could have imagined found me.

Among them, and quite recently, was the AT&T Security Team from Washington D.C.  These big boys spent about five minutes at my site.  At another time they came checking in again.

I got a chill in my blood.  Is this how it starts -- the tamping down of civil rights, the disintegration of the freedoms of ALL our people, despite our belief systems and our Constitutional right to free speech?

AT&T Security from Washington DC is keeping its eyes on me.  This does not make me feel safe or secure, particularly since  Dictatorships like China are locking up their liberal bloggers.  We are a long way from that, I believe, but I'm starting to feel a tad bit uneasy.

Hoarders, Lunatics and Daughters

I mentioned the other day that I had a "feeling" my younger daughter was closer than I thought she'd be, and sure enough, she surprised the hell out of me the other day by sauntering in the door one fine evening.  She was in full retreat from the UK winter -- London post-riots and pre-winter was just too much for a California girl to bear.

I am lucky to be able to keep her for a while, for her response upon walking into our house was deep despair.  Finally, after 10 years of being away most of the time, when she got a good look at the dear family home, a miserable combination of financial disaster, two physically/mentally disabled adults (one a hoarder dear god) -- she almost left right then and there.

But the woman who came home is a vastly different person than the girl who left.  To my shock, this new (to me), fully responsible human came home and began to shovel out the Augean Stables.  This is an ancient Grecian mythological reference to a stable that never could be cleaned, no matter how hard the person worked.  So it would seem at my house after 27 years of raising children, becoming permanently spinally injured and then losing the money I had to pay a friend to clean house for us.

PLUS!  My sweet Patrick is a true-to-life-watch-it-on-the-television-show Hoarder -- from "Hoarders" -- we are trying to change our lifestyles, and it is a difficult thing indeed.  As someone who has taken the mighty plunge over Niagara Falls without a barrel financially lately -- had a home stolen by a bank and a relative as well -- my mind has disappeared in the process, and once things start to get away from you they don't fall back together very easily -- I feel like Humpty Dumpty.  All the King's Men are here, trying to shove me and my mess together, but they cannot do it, man!

My daughter has been more and more annoyed as the depths of the chaos is revealed, and I cannot blame her.  I think parents are supposed to be more adult than I've been able to be -- this brain thing has really gotten in my way, this bi polar disorder -- not to mention being crushed by the economy.  My girl thinks I've also got Borderline personality disorder, and me -- besides feeling like a loser, I - I - "wish I had a river I could skate away on." (Joni Mitchell).

But one day at a time; we just paddle on one day at a time.

The GOP likes Women -- in Their Place!

What gives you Political MEN the right -- the vaguest suggestion of an idea that YOU should have a single thing to say about the disposition of the body of any woman in this country?  You have no right to touch any legislation that controls the physical well-being of the daughters of America.

Certainly we want your support in our desire for our health and ability to live lives unhindered by situations that place us at risk. But lately you have shown that you do not understand us.  You wish to force us into lives of poverty by denying us Choice, the literal power to choose the size of the families we must forever support, no matter what our liabilities might be.  For example, I raised 2 children with bipolar disorder -- undiagnosed at the time -- I did the very very best I could, only to hear the words "You didn't raise us; we raised ourselves!" thrown at me when conversations take a dark turn during the holiday season.

If I had been forced to bear the two other children that wanted a place in my body, my rational mind would have shattered more often and my ability to care for 4 would have been nil.  I don't see that anyone outside of a person's intimate home and family should be able to control what happens  in circumstances like mine -- when there's a mental illness that is exacerbated by the stress -- physical, mental, emotional -- of bearing children.  Make no mistake -- having my babies was the best, happiest thing I have ever done -- but the angelic beings that love you without condition are temporary, and often-times replaced by those who have contempt for your weakness.  It's a "pack" thing.  We haven't evolved much.

It is clear that to refuse all women options that MEN disapprove of is neither rational nor in any way good for the future of the planet, human relationships, or the children born into circumstances where their cradle might be a bottom drawer in somebody's bedroom.  Many of these "leaders" want to lead the little ladies all the way back into the kitchen, with motherhood the only option, and yet no good way of making it on a one person salary.  What's up with this?

My mother always taught me to ask: who benefits? I hear the old Judeo-Christian desert God Yahweh bellowing through these fundamentalist Leaders of all sects, trying to get the women back into our tents again, under the stern control of men we don't even know.  Guess what?  That doesn't work for the 51%!! We women actually have the vote now -- though it took us longer than anyone else, and I don't think we're going to give the power we have achieved back.  In fact many of us think we deserve more representation by our own gender.

I think these guys are motivated by the unconscious desire to put the genie back in the bottle, by dis-empowering us further,  and it's disgusting.  They aren't God and should stop pretending.  It's literally repugnant to women, this paternalistic rule-making by the boys' club. If one stops, pay attention for a moment and takes a closer look at the faces our our representatives -- they are almost all male. Politics is, after all, quite the "blood sport" and a woman has to be tough as nails -- think of Secretary of State Clinton -- to survive the usual witch-hunts that occur when a woman is taken seriously.

But in order for we women to protect ourselves and our daughters/granddaughters, we MUST become more active politically! We must not simply glaze over, sit back and go limp as one by one our human rights, which have taken a few hundred YEARS to hammer out, are taken from us, with great glee, by those who should be our balanced and sane lawmakers.  Get out and Rock the Vote!!  If we want to see a change or thirty, we MUST act.

I personally am sick and tired of being told we are the weaker sex because our bodies are weaker.  I was told early in life that women are less intelligent because -- oh get this -- our brains are smaller.  Sigh.  Like I said, Ladies -- let's get to work.  We need US now!

Even if you did inhale!

For inspiration, and for my idea of the perfect female candidate, go check out Elizabeth Warren's speeches on YouTube.  She is the ideal combination of brains, financial acumen, guts and pure awesomeness! Oh, and she's got serious communications chops; she is the Mother of all Orators!  I hope she's the first woman president, now that Mrs. Clinton has said NO.

"Yahweh or No Way" -- or the Crackly Male Voices of the Old Desert Gods

My partner and I, delicate types, have been on the cusp of the recession, which crushed us like a wave crashing, slamming into a surfer, having having a massive, devastating affect on everything about our lives from 2007 on. I have literally dropped off the cliff from relative wealth to indigence with poor health and no insurance. Having been stricken on all levels, I'm writing to rally myself! I am writing no matter what my audience might be as I cannot help myself.

The world is changing so very rapidly now, and so few people talk about the things I see. I might as well get it out there, else I will burst. There are things that want to be said, that must be said. Things are happening in this country so quickly -- union busters seek to rob from the poor while giving yet more in unnecessary indulgences to the rich -- like thieves in the night these jackals come to steal the raw soul of our country.

Although Mother Earth is poisoned, her creatures dying off by the hundreds and thousands -- we humans, stoked on by the crackly male voice of old desert Gods, resist limiting our species with sane methods like birth control.  We prefer war, plagues, and pestilence and capital punishment -- or at least it seems that way to me.

I wish that it were easy to escape from Life when it got too hard, but we're not supposed to do that, I hear it said.  I just sometimes wish there were a "game over" button when you just feel you've had enough heartache, disappointment, etc.  But hey -- so far I still have my house and having just realized I've had a huge amount of money taken from me, I have hopes of keeping it.  I know so many of you are in the same position, and it hurts to know that.

We're working two Farmers' Markets a week now, and the people there are worried as hell.  It's Christmas time and sales are slow, even in Sausalito CA today.  It's my belief that we're in a depression, no matter what the Pols (as opposed to "polls"; poles; or )say.  I keep reading about more jobs being shipped overseas by the Greedheads, while the GOP tries to decimate government jobs.  On what planet does this make sense??  In what way does the elimination of jobs serve to create jobs??

Someone -- enlighten me, please!  In the meantime, why doesn't anyone care that Mr. John Boehner, a politician that GOP TV personality Morning Joe Scarborough called a "lazy drunk", got to be SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE??? No wonder all he can slur is Noooooo.

And this man's stated goal for all Americans, whether WE (meaning me too, because cold and hunger are now appearing at this house) want it or not, is to make President Obama a one-term President.  I was born in a very minimalist shack on the outskirts of old Gold Rush County.  On my birth certificate my dad was listed as a "ditch digger" although he later got his GED,  graduated from college and got his real estate broker's license as well.

I was never cold or hungry.  Never, not until now.

After pulling this country out of its broken, bleeding economy and giving us 3 million + jobs, ending the Iraqi war not to mention the life of Osama Bin Laden, after beginning to mend the errors of the techno-phobic 19th century style gentlemen who inhabit Washington DC, busily ruining our lives -- what possible excuse is there for the U.S. not to give Mr. Obama (no he is not perfect; I don't care) a second term, just to see what he can do without all the resitance, hopefully-- or at least without a good part of it?

Senator Mitchell and Speaker Boehner are simply put, LOSERS and they, like the mythical suicide-lemmings, are leading their Caucus to disaster, along with all the rest of us.  And they are at least SOMEWHAT familiar with the rules of governance.  The new candidates are a joke.  The only suitable candidate ready to "Occupy the White House" is, in my opinion, already there.

As for the Senate/House in your neck of the woods -- do due diligence, figure out who is truly obviously corrupt, talk/listen to the new faces who want to replace the old faces -- and then, throw the bums out!!

PS:  I MUST attribute the "Yahweh or No Way" quote to Stephen Colbert, although I thought of it somewhere along that time too.  Honestly!  I love you, Stephen!!!

The Return of Imperialism/Tryanny to U.S from Within

How do you feel, my fellow Americans, as you watch the Congress refuse, over and over, to truly serve US, the people of this Republic, while they consistently polish the fat rumps of their Corporate Masters?  I fear we may be watching the beginning of the end of Democracy in the “land of the brave and the home of the free.” If we lose our Power as a People, if we are so easily fooled, if a runaway governor in Wisconsin can dictate radical, radio-active policies and get away with it despite the wishes of the bulk of his constituency, doesn’t that border on Tyranny?  If there are peaceful demonstrations being shut down violently in this country that gives us a right to them, what have we become?

The Republicans have not accepted that going against the will of the people is a very bad idea.  They favor the Imperial style of Leadership, the “my way or the high way” style of rule.  The kind of rule that likes surveillance tools, power in faraway places, and sneak policy attacks in various states that have stripped the working class of people of rights traditional to states such as Wisconsin, and for no reason that would ultimately serve the people.  

That move was part of a Karl Rovian strategy to keep tightening the GOP’s constant attempt to make this a permanently Republican nation.  The further moves to suppress traditionally Democratic (the young, the "other" and the senior citizens) voters threaten our Democracy -- and yet the GOP seems intent upon absolute rule.

Fortunately, it seems as though the people's eyes have opened and a rising tide of  "Oh NO you will NOT!!" may wipe Scott Walker out of his Governor's mansion, and not a minute too soon.

The GOP won the last election by speaking of jobs and “true fiscal conservatism.”  I don't object to  fiscal conservatism as long as it is not drained from the blood of the poor and middle classes.  The neo-cons and Mitt Romney-style businessmen who espouse this philosophy and are elected on the basis of it should not be able to serve in Congress as the lackeys of the rich, either during or after their terms are finished.  The revolving door among between Congressional employment and lobbying is way too porous, and integrity is in short supply. 

  

Congress people are obviously a commodity up for sale – Democrat and Republican, and so obviously.

After throwing all their weight behind the infamous, unnecessary tax break for the rich, Republicans are suddenly moving as one to strip the American Worker of the right to bargain with dignity for wages, hours, etc.  I was amazed that these men could argue so righteously that we must ALL share the pain of balancing the budgets!!  Nothing, said they, could be more important than that. But – wait!! WTF about that tax cut for the rich you bozos passed last year?

  
How, HOW could the richest among us possibly want more when more and more of our children are homeless, wandering the street, gathering at the various Occupy Movements because they have no other place to sleep, among other reasons, of course.

After giving this wretched tax cut to those who didn’t need it – Boehner and Mitchell fought furiously for their own, and now seek to attack entitlements – let the middle class and poor pay the price -- the American people are sinking into a less gracious and conscious form of living.  There have been one million foreclosures last year; so many  more since then -- and yet these heartless people want to place even more stress on the groaning many for the sake of the mighty few.  In such a terrible time as these years have been, the only possible reason is corruption. The latest news is that the unholy GOP voted down the middle class tax extensions, and in so doing are pushing people like me into a lifestyle where "daily bread" is now questionable.

If the GOP continues to stifle our NATURAL FREEDOMS including the right of free assembly, the right to be properly educated, to vote on the matters that concern us, to have a voice on these matters -- and continues to promote the growth of a vast underclass, stripping us of various Rights won in the past -- they will be electorally wiped out at some point—unless they can make good on the next step in their plan, which has to do with making it more difficult for folks in the Democratic demographics, i.e. students and the elderly, who typically vote the Democratic ticket, to vote.

How does that make you feel – to know that this is a nationwide effort by GOP politicos to restrain the Democratic voter-turnout, to destroy collective bargaining, to strip the Unions of all power and to make the United States of America into a dreary banana republic where only one party CAN EVER attain power? 

But who benefits?  Who would have the most to gain, however bizarre, and for what reasons?  In my opinion we are witnessing the struggle between Plutocracy and Democracy in America the Beautiful, and it is an awful sight to witness.  Somehow the de-volution of the Roman Republic into the Roman Empire comes to mind.  Only we're the Roman Empire on crack, and on a quick downward slide.

In my opinion – and this is an opinion piece -- the GOP is trying to create a "new peasantry" -- a modern  breed of children raised as ready cannon fodder (“meet the new boss; same as the old Boss”), for our Orwellian cycle of endless war.  These kids are inheriting the results of our specifically human passion for unchecked arrogance/violence/blood-lust.

Failed by local schools and pre-trained by vicious games, they’ll be snatched up by the Masters of War. As educational systems begin to fail our children the culture becomes more brutal and violent.  Kids spend way too much time fascinated by blood-soaked games put out by the Military – just a little basic training, pre-high school basic training – there are so many army games out there!

How purposeful is the creation of a class of the citizenry more suited for soldiering than the manufacturing jobs we no longer have?  So many of our kids have felt and feel that a life in the military was the only option.  They go because they have to.  They are our modern-day blood sacrifice.  The high and sustained rate of unemployment has made and will continue to make great use of the “feeder pond” of kids with no hope.  These young American heroes go off to serve and fight and die.

And then the heroes come back, but they come back changed, many of them broken, some shattered beyond our help.  Because of the underlying philosophy that sends these people off to war, there’s not enough help for them when they get back --  not for current veterans, nor for the rest of the recycled vets of our many wars; there are so few options. 
 

They deserve everything from us, yet to the GOP that elite 2% is somehow more deserving than our veterans. Our veterans come home, and they have certain particular warlike skill sets.  The folks that aren’t too psychologically or physically damaged have to make a living, and naturally they will look into the U.S. prison and jail systems.  

Some go for the shadowy world of the mercenary; some readjust, go back to school and shake the traumas of War.  Some blow themselves away, too traumatized to go on. Many of them will make excellent tools of any police state, including one right here.  We watch as the armed forces busily militarize our police, and that knowledge scares the hell out of me.

I was disgusted by the presence of Blackwater/Wackenhut security forces patrolling the streets of Wisconsin while the police are on strike.  I was horrified when the peaceful Occupy Oakland protest turned violent.  Who looks like the "land of the free" now? What a bitter joke.

It is important, essential to know that right in front of our eyes we are watching an entire reshuffling of the American Opportunity, a purposeful re-sizing of the American Dream, a casual toss away of our pretense to Excellence.  This fundamental dumbing down of the culture can't be strategic, it just can't be.  Can it?  Again, who benefits?

Fascism is the union of the Military-Industrial-Congressional complex (wonderful choice of words by President Eisenhower), who told us to beware of such a government.  It is my deepest fear that our beloved country is changing in front of our eyes into a collective of little states/tyrannies run by out-of-control, power-mad governors who seem to feel Absolute Power is their Right.  I don’t understand why the GOP members of Congress don’t value their “worthy opposition” and why they seem to be trying to destroy us utterly -- electorally, militarily, and financially -- and we are the 99%!

Holiday Greetings From Bi Polar Central!!

Back from Enforced Blogging "Holiday"!!

Okay, this "not writing because I need to save my life" thing isn't working for me.  My eldest daughter, the beauteous, firm Athena/Artemis like Pacifica, cracks the whip on her crazy mama while being  "freshly pressed" on Wordpress TWO TIMES in the last few months.  That rarely if EVER happens. But it did to my sweet baby doll, a photo-journalist of a unique sort.

Hearing this gets my writing genes frothing at their little mouths, but alas another task has been set for me. I speak of the forensic analysis of the books of my dead "child" -- ie "the house I built just before the crash" which wiped out my worldly possessions, most family relations and left me high and dry with the good sense of a gopher trying to get to a Marijuana plant in a container.

However, Pacifica said: "Now mommy, NO BLOGGING until your project is finished." Because of my mental instability and because "he who must not be named" was supposed to do the damned books and didn't and won't -- if I want to see any of the money back from what was supposed to be a 50/50 partnership, I had to go through every damned receipt from three years of a doomed but gorgeous house, my baby, my beloved. Sniffle. Funny how

Go ahead, laugh all you want. I don't blame you! But I've already got a hole in my head, and I've seen all around me the evidence that what news commentators are saying -- that the folks sliding into the upper echelons of income don't really care about seeing the rest of us fall, as long as THEY are okay. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself in one of the persons I loved most. But you see, I suppose I am an excellent example of the Fool in the Major Arcana of the Tarot.

The Fool in the Tarot Cards is represented in many ways. Many think he is a Spirit character, head lost in thought while he steps into another dimension -- others take him for a person rather like myself, who simply isn't looking where he/she is going and -- SPLAT. I used to favor the first way of thought and now I am truly not so sure, speaking now as I am to you from a puddle over a cliff. SPLAT, INDEED.

But I can't bear the way the words are backing up in me, and how they are coming from all parts of me:  the political, the desperate, the philosophical, the bipolar maniac (whose mere letters to loved ones I'm somewhat annoyed with seem to burn like acid), and I don't know why. Twitter is a place I LOVE as i can shoot my little 140 character bullets in rapid fire when I'm enraged, for example with the GOP take down of Unions through the country, or the attacks on education, equal opportunity, CHOICE, and all the freedoms being stripped away from us in a 3 card Monte game where it's pretended THEY are losing freedoms.

Seriously, I am not joking. If you really think there's a whole lot of "opportunity" going on take a look at where opportunity starts -- education and equal rights. Lately it seems those educated jobs are being shipped out because the POWERS THAT BE do not give a good god-damn whether the populace is educated or not. What difference does it make in a global economy? Who cares if the country you have one of your half dozen mansions in has good security for ALL the people when you can buy your own security? Who cares about the education of the masses when you can send your kids to fine schools? Who cares about education when 'bots are waiting to take it all over??

Also, let us face this clearly: a less educated society is a more brutal, more malleable society. People become more easy to push around with words of hell and damnation and "Don't Tread on Me" -- oh puleeze. The sight of those yahoos "lockin' and loadin'" to try to scare the Prez and the populace made me sick -- victory through intimidation, morons? Aiiiieee, I am bitter, I admit it. The brighter side of bipolar will be visiting again.

Today I am depressed. We've all been reading an article about America having the most income disparity among the classes than most "civilized" countries including most of Europe. My friends, we have totally been had by our slave-meisters, the 1% who own close to 50% of the wealth. Start reading, people -- many people in the Arab nations had been wondering when we Americans would wake up to our OWN "Arab Spring"!!

They consider US, the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, to lack freedoms and opportunities, just as they do. They do not consider us "The Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave". They think that we, the country WE consider a lighthouse of freedom, is arthritic, grid-locked, and freaking incapable of change. The obstinacy of the GOP re Obama's picks for judiciary, etc. have gone by without an up or down vote -- want to know why?

It has been agreed among the upper echelons of the GOP that if they hold out long enough and maybe Obama isn't elected again, they can pack the judiciary with Republicans and our hope for a Democracy where both sides are debated, and compromised will disappear, possibly forever. Our chances to recover from that for generations are slim.

We are sliding towards the military-industrial-Congressional complex that President Eisenhower warned us about. By the way -- he included "Congressional" in that speech but the word was stricken out by a minion of some sort -- however our current political machinery is just what that good gentleman warned us about. If you take a look around, today's Republicans don't even consider REAGAN, their former GOD, particularly relevant. How did THAT happen in two years?

Selfishness is a more prevalent human characteristic than I'd ever thought, no matter how many times I've read and re-read Dickens "A Christmas Carol"! I am not sanguine about our future, as the Goblins are ruining the forests and the Orcs are running the businesses and as the bumper-sticker said: "Frodo Lost the Ring."

But wait! Not again! Could it be that my President, who has pulled goodness from devastation over and over, has displayed the old magic as he stepped back and tricked the LEADERS of the Republicans like John Boehner and Eric Cantor into showing which side of the income/Class barrier they are on?

In truth the GOP is on the side of the rich, and they have grabbed huge clumps of the badly educated population and taught them that the big ol' American issues are God, Guns & Gays! So instead of a reasonable debate, we get verbal insanity, religious fervor, the threat of violence and no sense of willingness to examine another Point of View, and that's not what I grew up thinking we Americans were all about..

Written 10-06-11

Self-Healing post Bipolar Breakdown

One of the things I've learned about living with "The Beast" from my teen-aged years on is that you never know when that sucker is going to re-claim its hold on your brain.  Knowing that the stats say it only gets worse with age leaves a person always looking over one's shoulder -- but where?  The enemy lies within and there are the moments where it takes everything to bear it, because one doesn't recall any other way of being nor does one anticipate relief -- ever.

As I go through the paperwork analyzing my financial fall from grace --  my dearly beloved ex left me well provided for, and my actions later -- the typical actions of a person suffering from an over-inflated idea of their abilities -- wiped out my financial security.  I trusted those that for reasons of their own should not have been trusted.  I did these things myself, to myself, and it is hard to own up to the fact that I am indeed my worst enemy at times.

It's not easy to go through the seemingly infinite amount of papers that shout out to me what an idiot I was, but it must be done, for there is no other way to prove that my 50/50 partner - he whose name shall not be uttered - ;-) - skipped out leaving the books undone and owing me enough money to augment what I still have and enable me to live decently for a few more years.  Oh the pain, the pain -- and worse still is the crushing loss of the family ties that this project represented.

Had I but known -- when one suffers from the "empty nest syndrome' or rather  when THIS one suffers, as I did so profoundly for so many years -- (bipolar adds to the festivities!), well - I found myself looking for surrogate children, as mine are a continent and an ocean away.  I found some great kids, but in my eagerness to play at business with them, managed somehow to ruin my financial life.

I know some of you may recall earlier posts stating I was on the brink of foreclosure -- thanks to the loving intervention of family members, the debt was taken care of.  However, I'm having to fight to get "my own" back financially, & the enormous task has me wondering every day if my brain will teeter over the brink.  When the tears come for no reason, and the refrain I always carry in my head for my girls plays, I can always tell that the old brain beastie is lurking.

"oooh, oooh I'm missing you; tell me why the road turns?"   by lionel ritchie for diana ross

So.  Ms. Julie -- what ARE you doing to rehabilitate yourself?  That's what they call it, you know, when people who have had significant psychological breaks or traumas try to re-integrate with society again - rehab, emotional rehab.

Well, I've developed a freaking healthy respect for this brain-basher of an "illness" or a "disorder" or whatever they call it -- I don't know; all I know is that IT, and not I, has been taken control and run me off the roads throughout my life starting in my teens.  It distresses me that I have tears streaming down my face as I write this, for there's nothing wrong today.  The sun shines, all is as it was.  And yet inside there is darkness and sorrow.  And I wonder -- oh my god is IT coming back?

In my beloved Marin County, when one does a free fall from plenty to indigence, there is a gracious social welfare system that treats the mentally ill.  I hope we can keep these needed services available.  For the first time ever I have access to a real live psychiatrist -- who validated the protocol given by my  GP of 15 or so years - the wonderful flash gordon, md., healer & author of many books, the latest being "Blood, Sweat & Second Gear" -- who as author Susie Bright said, SHOULD be Surgeon General of the U.S. - he's THAT good, but instead he's treating ordinary folk like us.

So I've gotten a Psych doc, and have started making the journey -- sometimes ecstatic, sometimes excruciating -- from the bedroom that has been my cell of choice during the last several years.

Reintegration with the rest of the human race is absolutely essential for people coming back from "the twilight zone" as I like to call it, a place of muted or non-existent desire, will to live -- a life in the shadows while all about you people go about normal lives and you wonder why you can't.  The very most basic current of life force is drained from you.

You wonder why it is so hard to speak to other people sometimes.  Even the ring of a telephone brings with it thoughts of three years of creditors harassing me, and the sound of the doorbell is terrifying!  I shake my head in wonderment at my own peculiarities. In reading further I find that social anxiety disorder is often part and parcel of this "thing" I've been born with.  In the National Institute of Mental Health URL, I found a chart of the various symptoms of both ends of the bipolar scale:

• A long period of feeling "high," or an overly happy or outgoing mood
• Extremely irritable mood, agitation, feeling "jumpy" or "wired."

Behavioral Changes

• Talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another, having racing thoughts
• Being easily distracted
• Increasing goal-directed activities, such as taking on new projects
• Being restless
• Sleeping little
• Having an unrealistic belief in one's abilities
• Behaving impulsively and taking part in a lot of pleasurable,
  high-risk behaviors, such as spending sprees, impulsive sex, and impulsive business investments.

• A long period of feeling worried or empty
• Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex.

Behavioral Changes

• Feeling tired or "slowed down"
• Having problems concentrating, remembering, and making decisions
• Being restless or irritable
• Changing eating, sleeping, or other habits
• Thinking of death or suicide, or attempting suicide.

And back and forth and over and over for the rest of one's life.  And I can tell you first hand it is not easy, this path.  Nor is it for the unfortunate family members that have to deal with you -- support groups, people!  Get your support somewhere, because you will need it.  It is most wearing to be around somebody who is profoundly depressed, the "identified patient" as such who might suck the life right out of the room.  Save yourselves!

 For my self-prescribed rehabilitation I decided that I needed a radical prescription, a big dose of other human beings!  My mate Patrick has been, for almost a year, helping out at the Marinwood Farmers' Market.  Soon he began selling Nana Mae Organics (apple products during the Great Recession- Depression) at this Market, about a mile away from our house.

I didn't think much of this at first -- Patrick (Asperger's, panic attacks, ADHD) picks up projects and puts them down -- besides, to do a Farmers' Market you have to be willing to -- ah -- get  up early.  Simply put, I could hate nothing more.  A morning person I am not.

But I began to wander on down around to visit around noon as I had the sneaking suspicion I could do better at sales than Patrick, who NEVER can stay at the booth for longer than 20 minutes at a time.  A little friendly competition with my sweetie got me out the door -- whatever works, say I.

And so began my now weekly forays down to the market.  At first I'd wait to go down until noon -- then earlier and earlier.  I go with Patrick now; we join the rest of the Vendors, and are always only slightly late, rumbling into our space around 9:10 AM to the amusement of our fellows, as we live only a mile away!

I noticed very quickly that the simple interchange between human beings is a tonic beyond almost anything a doctor can prescribe.  I love sitting down there in our little makeshift booth, making change the old-fashioned way from a wooden cigar box,  and for the first time in all the 26 years I've been here meeting and enjoying my neighbors while we all begin the project of neighborhood/community building here in Marinwood.

Why is that that simply the action of placing oneself in the midst of others heals?  Because the primary "food" for we spirits in human bodies is the interchange of energy through the eyes and the feeling heart, and that is one of the ways we fight the Beast within -- with the sweet medicine provided by our fellow human beings.

I have a much more upbeat account of these experiences to pass onto you, but today was not a day for that kind of writing.  Today was a day for acknowledging and expressing the hidden sorrow in the brain that twists life in the body/mind for more of us than you might think.  One can only persist.

Have a great Sunday!

PS:  I just came back from another self-prescribed dose of "medication" - a walk in the canyon by our house in order to spot bay laurel trees that seem to be infected with "sudden oak" and collecting specimens.  It's so beautiful out there -- I lay in the green grass and felt the sun warm me while I watched the little girls play in the brook, as my long lost children once did.  Unfortunately, my mind came with me and began to brood over my girls, but all in all, the experience served me well.  My mother always told me that all that could be done was to place one foot in front of the other.


That doesn't sound very deep, but could anything be more difficult sometimes?

Ah well, my dears -- don't mind me.  I'm just a wee tad bluish today.

I'll be back with a rapturous account of a splendid day at the Market!

Rumination upon Education

As the daughter of a teacher, I KNOW what my mother put into her four decades as both a fifth grade teacher and a high school teacher/college counselor.  She brought her job home every single day and most weekends.  That job dominated her life; she loved it and influenced countless lives positively.  She elevated the prospects of thousands of kids in the San Joaquin Valley and 29 Palms, California. A great many among them were children of seasonal migrant workers, mostly from Mexico, kids who lived with entire families in rooms the size of a small bedroom. 

At her funeral in 1994, I met a wonderful gentleman, at that point head of the local junior college, who told me that she was the reason that he, the American born son of Mexican migrant workers, was able to turn his passionate desire to succeed, help others, and prosper into reality.  I heard this said about my mother over and over again as she fulfilled her passionate desire to enlighten receptive minds.  That is what a Teacher does.

She was always passionate about her job.  One person CAN make a difference, and the public service workers of our country -- the teachers, the nurses, the firefighters & police -- each ONE of those people dedicate their lives to making a difference.  I believe they should be able to RETAIN the RIGHT to bargain with the Big Boss Men, who already, it seems, believe they should be as kings unto their workers.  Gah!
 
United (Union!) we stand, divided, we are cracked like dried twigs, which is pretty much what they want, isn’t it?

The sneak attack by the GOP in Wisconsin that killed collective bargaining in Wisconsin smacks of tyranny to me.  For example, when these slick creeps demean teachers, they are attacking societal fundamentals.  Do we, as a nation, value education?  Do we value educating the blue collar/middle class family as much as we value educating their peers at a higher social level?  If not, why not?


We’ve always had issues with class in this country.  We’ve had slavery, indentured servitude, the plight of women, children, the sick and the elderly who can’t fend for themselves.  And there has always been the model of the Banker (Big Business usually = GOP) with the cold heart in this country – plenty of those around today.  (“If you don’t give me the deed to your ranch I’m gonna tie you to the railroad tracks”)

Tell me, O weasel-eyed Governors with eyes of flint - I would like to know how destroying our precious national safety nets will do anything but impoverish those too weak to pull themselves up, thereby weakening our national fabric.  These “nets” are in place; they serve the people.  Honestly, really – what will take their place?  Smile, say "charity" and I will laugh in your face.

What happens when there’s no protection for the firemen, the teachers, the police, the drivers -- the We that are the People?  For Governor Walker to act like an over-confident bully, smashing the long-held values and Rights of a state known for securing those Rights, thereby paving the way for the rest of us, was viscerally shocking to me.

Governor Walker appears to be a mini-dictator, and there are several others of his ilk governing other states.  Their aim is to strip the Democratic Party of their one power base, the Unions, and to prevent President Obama from being elected or from achieving policy objectives.  It is also Karl Rove’s Machiavellian goal to achieve total GOP dominance within all systems of government.  If that happens, kiss the idea of America goodbye.

The state of Wisconsin is not supposed to be a dictatorship, run by a Governor with an unseemly urge to please billionaire businessmen such as the Koch Bros. His mini-dictatorship is somehow protected by states-rights while the rest of us watch in horror, wondering what next parliamentary bit of deviance will be used inappropriately.

In my state, California, a Democrat Governor was recalled a few years ago for NOTHING compared to what Governor Walker is doing, and I mean NOTHING.  I have nothing against Governor Schwarzenegger - I came to be quite fond of him -- he's MY kind of GOP-GOV.  I like moderate Republicans -- we do have a lot in common. I want to cultivate that love of the moderate which is unfamiliar to the flaming Progressive!

It's time to unite from within the center, reaching out -- reaching out to one another with a sense of inclusion towards ALL except the bat shit crazy.  I refuse to take this challenge to our working people without reacting in a protective fashion -- as they have protected us.  I refuse to watch a challenge to education in this country without working to educate people about why it matters!

People must know why a wide, stimulated, open & well-trained mind is worth more than gold.  The fewer great minds we have, the lower is our status as a country, period.  I would feel more comfortable with the direction of our country if we pointed our kids in the direction of math/science/saving the earth than by bombing the crap out of it.

When we stop respecting education, we are stale, through.  Do you hear me, America? WE – the almighty paragons of remarkable excellence, are on the verge of being  finished, second rate.  Our worth, capacity, flexibility and vigor as a nation are diminished; our educational scores are mediocre, our intellectual appetite dulled.   The mediocre are easily led like sheep, which makes me wonder if it’s too late already.  Again, how have we arrived at this point?

We have failed to educate our people. When people are not trained to think, they cannot discriminate.  Lack of discrimination leads to collective failures in judgment, resulting in cultural lurches like allowing GW Bush to invade Iraq (President Clinton was impeached for infinitely  less), forgetting the Bush years so easily, forgetting who the real Party of the People has always been, which led to the stupid, impatient results of the last election, etc.

Remember the old adage about getting the Government one deserves?  It seems that most of Congress has been bought off and now these Governors too. What do the Koch Brothers have to do with all of this and HOW do they stand to gain?  AND DON’T THEY HAVE ENOUGH WEALTH, NOW REALLY?? The idea that they have anything to do with policy that impoverishes the rest of America sickens me.

If you haven't noticed anything peculiar yet, to arms, to arms -- the Corporations are coming! 

The Tyranny of the Radical Minority

I am so filled with anger; raging impotently as I watch radical Republicans "govern." Watching the parliamentary sleight of hand that stripped Wisconsin public workers of their bargaining rights, I fear for this country. It is very clear that this could be the beginning of the end of Democracy in the “land of the free.” 

If we lose our Power as a People, if we are so easily fooled, if a runaway Governor can dictate radical, radio-active policies and get away with it despite the wishes of the bulk of his constituency, isn’t that bordering on a state perilously close to Imperial rule, tyranny?  I've been around a long time and I have NEVER seen politicians behave so disrespectfully to the people who elected them.

The GOP won the last election by speaking of jobs and “true fiscal conservatism.”  True fiscal conservatism has a spine, and the people who espouse this philosophy and are elected on the basis of it should not be able to serve in Congress as the lackeys of the rich. 

 

After continuing the infamous, unnecessary and infamous tax break for the rich, Republicans are suddenly moving as one to strip the American Worker of the right to bargain with dignity for wages, hours, etc.  They talk so righteously of how we must ALL share the pain of balancing the budgets after giving this wretched tax cut to those who didn’t need it – Boehner and Mitchell fought furiously for their own, and now seek to attack entitlements – let the middle class and poor pay the price -- as the American people sink into a less gracious and conscious form of living.

If the GOP continues to stifle our lawful Freedoms including the right to vote, and continues to promote the growth of a vast underclass, taking from us all services we have won as Rights in the past -- they will be electorally wiped out at some point—unless they can make good on the next step in their plan, which has to do with making it more difficult for folks in the Democratic demographics, i.e. students, who typically vote the Democratic ticket, to vote.

How does that make you feel – to know that this is a nationwide effort by GOP politicos to restrain the Democratic voter-turnout, to destroy collective bargaining, to strip the Unions of all power and to make the United States of America into a dreary banana republic where only one party CAN attain power?
 

But who benefits?  Who would have the most to gain, however bizarre, and for what reasons?  In my opinion we are witnessing the struggle between Plutocracy and Democracy in America the Beautiful, and it is an awful sight to see.

There are so many ramifications to severe cuts -- for example, the downward slide of the U.S. in our ability to educate our youth will result in a modern form of peasant, who will breed children used as ready cannon fodder for our Orwellian cycle of endless wars.

.

Failed by local schools and pre-trained by vicious, militaristic games, they’ll be snatched up by the Masters of War. As educational systems begin to fail our children the culture becomes more brutal and violent.  Kids spend way too much time fascinated by blood-soaked games put out by the Military, and way too little time reading and thinking.

How purposeful is the creation of a class of the citizenry more suited for soldiering than the white collar and manufacturing jobs we no longer have?  So many of these kids have felt and feel that a life in the military was the only option.  They go because they have to.  They are our modern-day blood sacrifice.  The high and sustained rate of unemployment has made and will continue to make great use of the “feeder pond” of kids with no hope.  These young American heroes go off to serve and fight and die.

And then the heroes come back, but they come back changed, many of them broken, some shattered beyond our help.  Because of the underlying philosophy that sends these people off to war, there’s not enough help for them when they get back!  That holds for current veterans, and for the rest of the recycled vets of our many wars; there are so few options.  

They deserve everything from us, yet to the GOP that elite 2% of the richest is somehow more deserving of extra treats on their tables than our soldiers are of keeping body and soul together.  This is a result of the shifting of wealth that just happened in front of our eyes.  Failing to provide our vets with honorable work and services will have undesirable consequences, as always.

Our veterans come home, and they have certain particular warlike skill sets.  They have to make a living, and naturally they will look into the U.S. prison and jail systems, some will go for the shadowy world of the mercenary, some are so wounded they never come back psychologically, some readjust, go back to school/work and shake the traumas of War.  Left untreated and uncared for, many are loose cannons waiting to explode.  We ignore them at our own risk, and to our shame as a society.

It is important, essential to know that right in front of our eyes we are watching an entire reshuffling of the American Opportunity, a purposeful re-sizing of the American Dream, a casual toss away of our pretense to Excellence.  This fundamental dumbing down of the culture can't be strategic, it just can't be.  Can it?  Who benefits? 

Fascism is the union of the Military-Industrial-Congressional complex , a wonderful choice of words by President Dwight Eisenhower, who told us to beware of such a government.  It is my deepest fear that our beloved country is morphing rapidly into a collective of little states/tyrannies run by out-of-control, power-mad Governors who seem to feel Absolute Power is their Right.  I don’t understand why the Republicans don’t value their “worthy opposition” and why they seem to be trying to destroy us utterly.

I would like to know how the selfish folk behind this drive to hunt Democrats (and everything they represent to the working people) to extinction are reconciling the compulsion to Dictatorship with the U.S. two party system?  They have forgotten that the State exists to serve the people; many of these governors are CEOs who put the State in front of the People, and that is again part of what defines fascism.  

Take care, America!

Search Amazon.com for fascism and big business

 

Union Busting in Wisconsin

There have always been "robber barons" among us.  They morph from century to century, wearing different disguises to suit the times.  They are lackeys of the truly wealthy,  though many of course fall into money.  That's their job, isn't it?  My big question is - why do they want to keep the rest of us from having it?

The situation in Wisconsin is our primary national example of this constant societal theme.  This is a moment of national Truth.  It has to do with the bottom line, and whether the Rich really do get richer while the Poor stay poor.  I thought we as a society had decided to be "A Great Society" and "A City on a Hill" -- or even, as George W. Bush said, an "Ownership Society?"  I never dreamed that one lousy Presidency could bring us to the brink of losing, precipitously, the American Dream.  The numbers of people that have crowded the streets of Wisconsin say I am not wrong.

The workers in Wisconsin fight for a voice at the bargaining table, as is the American way.  This  movement,  to protect the rights of workers in America, began in the great state of Wisconsin.  Why now do the Republicans want to take these rights away? Why did this upstart new Governor do the unthinkable, by threatening violence the moment this issue arose? Why do the city streets in the Madison, WI look like a dictatorship on lock-down? The hubris involved in both Governor Walker's initial threat to call out the National Guard and his statement that he could imprison and expel the Democratic Senators with the use of force is shocking.

The Democratic Senators, the Wisconsin 14, while currently in the minority fight to save the rights of the majority. The Governor has illegally ordered that the Democratic Senators be brought home whether or not force is involved.   My God, you don't go around threatening to use force on your Senators!!

That's absolutely unconstitutional -- many of the policies that Governor Walker propose are blatantly unconstitutional under Wisconsin law.  Why are these few, brash, mostly young white males in various states, newly elected -- why are they imperiously insulting the fine working people of our country while they undermine our national traditions of protecting the working class?  What's up with this?

Governor Walker in Wisconsin is an arrogant, slick, cruel piece of work.  He's in league with the Koch Brother Billionaires in this class war -- watch him roll.  His belief in himself is utter, despite the tens of thousands of people protesting his choices. When trouble began, he mentioned calling in the National Guard, but that didn't go down well.  According  to Rachel Maddow, the Governor has instead called upon private contractors -- scabs --from Blackwater/XE/Wackenhut  to do his dirty "security" work. 

This despicable jerk of a new Governor, who prides himself on "not budging" wants to force pink slips upon the teachers and firefighters, the police and the service workers -- he insults the people that are the bedrock of American society.  If they are shut out of health care, jobs, dignity -- eventually there will be a reckoning, and perhaps a swift one.

By cutting the taxes for the rich, they have ginned up a clear cut case of a false fiscal crisis with an ulterior motive -- to destroy a time honored democratic tradition (or small r republican -- as collective bargaining is an excellent tool for our Republic as well).

What is this new breed of Republican, these servants of the Mighty?  Who are they?  What do they stand for?  Of more importance -- what is it that they want?  I want to see where folks will stand on this hugely important issue of collective bargaining.  I know there might be Libertarian and Conservative elements of the GOP that are concerned about the traditional right to organize.

I would hope that some of these folks are not just pumped up tools of various politicians.  I really do think the more Libertarian people, who are upset about the insane parts of big government, could bring integrity to the table. We have seen so many times that politicians and corruption go hand in hand that it is impossible for me to imagine that the Tea Partyers won't get co-opted and horns-waggled,  so to speak, by the GOP proper.

Back to the new-style GOP- men and women -- the guys with Mr. Bean slicked-back hair, dictatorial pride and a fantastic role model in George W. Bush, who did everything he wanted and got away with it.   Who is this guy, this Governor Walker,  and how many other newly elected Governors are dying to bust Unions as well.  Finally, why are the Republicans trying to kill a two party system in this country?

Without Unions, there are no big sources of campaign money for the Democrats, and since the odious Supreme Court:s Citizen United decision  of late, the Unions are the last bastion of large Democratic fundraising.  Kill the unions, the Democrats are dead.  The Democrats die -- suddenly you've got something suspiciously like a dictatorship, with armed guards willing to do anything on the street.  Think it can't happen here?  Look at the streets of Wisconsin -- it already is.

People from Blackwater, as it used to be known, don't have a problem crossing union lines. They answer to a higher power, and it's NOT the government of the United States.  Suddenly Madison, WI has the look of a police state.  How's that for a bleak look into a possible future, America?  If you don't believe me, here's a symbol of their reach into our country - an "emergency response team" badge for the Delaware County Prison that indicates a global reach:

I am longing for principled people of ALL parties to come out for the REAL America.  It's got NOTHING to do with Rambo Governors on a rampage fulfilling private missions funded by secretive Billionaire policy makers backing and backed by a huge shadow army.  Those guys have been planning for years to turn the screws on America in ways you don't even want to imagine.

Yes, it could happen here. Look no further than Wisconsin.  This week a Democratic Assemblyman was tackled on his way to work in the Capital Building. The guy was brought to the ground by a pile of scab "security guards" -- employed by Wackenhut. (Blackwater/XE.)  Anyone getting nervous yet?? 


Now back to that first, primary, and most troubling question: whence come these union busters, and why?  I think they are tools of the GOP;  but they are willing, boot-licking tools, on the make for money and power, the people be damned.   They are useful tools for a subtle cultural revolution, where the rich do indeed get richer and the poor get the shaft.

If the good Governor Walker gets his way and busts those unions in Wisconsin, the folks in that fine state can look forward to police, prison guards, security guys etc., who have possibly seen more depravity in one lifetime than we can hold in our consciousness, and want to spread those Good Vibrations that came from Gitmo through Abu Ghraib straight to you.  I don't much like the sound of this -- hold steady, Brave Wisconsin 14!  As my husband Patrick, an astute student of History said, it's "very near impossible" to regain a Right once you have given it up.

Governor Walker, in my opinion, should be re-called as quickly as is lawfully possible.   He has over-reached beyond all rational thought -- to the point of behaving in a fashion that could be construed as tyrannical.  In MY opinion.  Soooo -- on Wisconsin, on Wisconsin!!
 

There's a cost for choosing to maintain a society at the lower levels of education and poverty.  Its pretty nasty price comes due at the end of that cycle, which we see in the Middle East.  Those people who say there's "no connection" between the events of Egypt and the events of Wisconsin are dead wrong.  If nothing else, the Egyptians taught their American brothers and sisters how to really stand up for ourselves again, even with the threat of violence.  Believe me, those guys from Wackenhut know a thing or two about violence.

I'm horrified that the GOP continues to stifle our natural freedoms including the "pursuit of happiness" by cutting away further at necessary benefits for those in need.  When you consider that our last President, the  Fearless, feckless Leader George W. Bush put us into this bankrupt condition, it is asking a bit much of the average citizen to pay the greatest cost.

That our entire citizenry is being punished after giving the richest 2% a fat, unnecessary tax cut is utterly egregious, a blatant pandering curtsy to wealth.  The stench of Greed lingers on, and it's the worst form of Greed -- Greed whose cost is born by those too fragile to bear it. Symbol -- fat sovereign on thin, starving donkey.   

If the new GOP Governors and Congresspeople don't show some mercy and stop acting like Roman conquerors believing in their own Godhood -- well, they will have their own revolution to deal with, and perhaps rather quickly.  I've heard there are recall procedures already in place for the GOP Senators on the "union busting" side.  They are on the wrong side of the arc of history.

They aren't supposed to be feeding the Greed and Blood Lust of "Jabba the Hutt" -- that grotesque fat thing in the Star Wars cycle - that's my none too subtle metaphor for endless war, depravity, violence and all things that feed that monster in each of us, and in our country as well.  America is not an Imperial Nation for the wealthy few.  We are supposed to be better than that.

Bipolar Disorder - What a Long, Strange Trip it's Been!

During the last several years, as some of you know, I've been once again experimenting with plunging into the depths of hell known to those with jangled minds, depressions, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, etc. Severe episodes such as I've just been through, a 3 year ordeal I'm amazed I survived, are like an endless wandering through one's own private hell realm.

By the time an entire cycle has passed, a person who once seemed stable can be in a hopeless muddle, desperately seeking a way of of the confusion and fear that have dragged them into a chaotic mental state where it seems that there is No Exit. What is mental illness?  To quote Lana Castle from her fine book Bipolar Disorder Demystified: 

Mental Illness involves behaviors, thinking and perceptions that fall outside the bounds of what a particular culture or society perceives as "normal."  They produce extreme moods and behaviors, confusion and chaos, faulty memories and perceptions, desperation and hopelessness.

Because mental illnesses also produce physical symptoms and other verifiable symptoms in the body, they're also clearly medical disorders.  By bringing your brain to a normal state, treatment can greatly improve your life."

As you might imagine, I was very happy to hear that my life might be improved, as I was about to be swept out of my home along with yesterday's (and the last 26 year's) trash -- and me with no logical brain.  Late in life I have come to recognize that having an untreated and unrecognized mental illness can add a lot of spice to one's life -- if you really, really like your life dramatic and HARD.

I don't, but it's been that way anyway.  I've been reading more mental health literature when I'm not gnawing my fingernails and wondering what to do with my particular situation.  Logic is not my friend. When I was skimming through Ms. Castle's book, I noted a list of horrible things that can happen to you if you wander around with an untreated mental condition.

To my complete shock I saw that I was right on track for the worst of it - note my commentary besides each possibility!  And I'm not alone -- there are an  extraordinary number of people in our country suffering silently until they harm themselves or others -- including our veterans --  and the current political movement to slash the Government safety net for our countrymen (after protecting tax cuts for the wealthiest 2 %) will only make matters worse.  These risks include, and once again I quote from Ms. Castle:

•  having your spouse or significant other get fed up and leave you;  (not yet!)
• having your family disown you;      (many family breaks; I am quick to stomp off in a huff)
• having your friends desert you;       (my mate and I feel toxic-unclean-no fun! no more party invitations!)
• becoming socially isolated                (oh LORD yes)
• missing work and getting fired, or missing school and getting expelled;  (first breakdown in college; had to quit)
• having massive financial problems;   (yes, yes, yes - no heat, no money for mortgages, even food)
• becoming dependent on underfunded government assistance; (we're trying!  http://draft.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3276654011241963260#editor/target=post;postID=7892602939108406101trying!)
• developing or worsening a substance abuse problem            (in the sixties)
• winding up in jail                           (NEVER)
• and becoming homeless and living on the street.   (barely escaped - thanks to my family)

Thanks, Ms. Castle, for painting that very true-to-life picture for what can await those who never quite grasp that there's something wrong with them, and it's not their fault!  For so many years I didn't have a clue, even with a living breathing diagnosis in 1988 of "familial bipolar disorder" I didn't GET it.  I remember thinking -- "well, it's not like it's 'manic depression' or anything serious!!"

But it WAS "manic depression" and it WAS serious and has ruled big chunks of my life in the worst possible way.  As I said earlier, there are hundreds of thousands of us out there walking around suffering quietly (or not!) and horribly without a clue.  If you think ANY of this has any relevance for you or anyone that you love, look into it, and do some basic research.  

You might discover things about yourself or a family member that resonate with you, and you could be able to be of immense service to that person.  You could save a life.  Life CAN be better, though it might not feel like it's possible.  With bipolar there is a natural beginning, middle and end to the cycle, which can sometimes take years.

Mental illness is a dangerous condition because you cannot escape your brain waves, and those brain waves can be doing all sorts of negative things, causing you to hear voices, feel paranoid, want to die -- it's such an "in the closet" sort of illness,  and your reality becomes based on faulty wiring, so to speak.

Fortunately modern medicine has come up with a host of different, more sophisticated drugs for those living with mental conditions, and I urge you -- if you or someone you know is moody, secretive, despondent -- there are many signs -- see if you can get some dialogue going.  Somebody might need some professional help.  No stigma, no shame -- just help.

I would also argue that a combination of deep Pranayama -- ancient Hindu breathing practices to oxygenate the brain -- combined with meditation does help.  However I would also admit that my capacity to engage those practices ebbs and flows depending on my capacity for discipline -- which ebbs and flows too!
 

I've been thinking about this sort of thing lately as Patrick and I have thrown ourselves into the Buckelew Center in Marin for people with brain disorders, learning disabilities, etc.  It's quite something, really, to find yourself dealing withs a great tonic for false pride, let me tell you!  But - - I've got a feeling I've found a place where I can be of real service to real people, and I've been lonely too long.  It's time to take the thorn out of my own foot -- to allow myself to be healed -- and get back on the Path.  Love to you all from the 'wood.

Bipolar Disorder: Reintegration and Healing

During the last several years, as some of you know, I've been once again experimenting with plunging into the depths of hell known to those with jangled minds, depressions, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, etc.  Severe episodes such as I've just been through, a 3 year ordeal I'm amazed I survived, are like an endless wandering through a bardo, one's own private hell.

By the time an entire cycle has passed, a person who once seemed stable can be in a hopeless muddle, desperately seeking a way of of the confusion and fear that have dragged them into a chaotic mental state where it seems that there is No Exit.  

What is mental illness?  To quote Lana Castle from her excellent book Bipolar Disorder Demystified: 

Mental Illness involves behaviors, thinking and perceptions that fall outside the bounds of what a particular culture or society perceives as "normal."  They produce extreme moods and behaviors, confusion and chaos, faulty memories and perceptions, desperation and hopelessness.

Because mental illnesses also produce physical symptoms and other verifiable symptoms in the body, they're also clearly medical disorders.  By bringing your brain to a normal state, treatment can greatly improve your life."

As you might imagine, I was very happy to hear that my life might be improved, as I was about to be swept out of my home along with yesterday's (and the last 26 year's) trash -- and me with no logical brain.  Late in life I have come to recognize that having an untreated and unrecognized mental illness can add a lot of spice to one's life -- if you really, really like your life dramatic and HARD.

I don't, but it's been that way anyway.  I've been reading more mental health literature when I'm not gnawing my fingernails and wondering what to do with my particular situation.  Logic is not my friend. When I was skimming through Ms. Castle's book, I noted a list of horrible things that can happen to you if you wander around with an untreated mental illness (there are a shocking number of people in our country doing just that, and the current political movement to slash the Government safety net for our brethren will only make matters worse).  These risks include, and once again I quote from Ms. Castle:

•  having your spouse or significant other get fed up and leave you;  (not yet!)
• having your family disown you;        (many family breaks; I am quick to stomp off in a huff)
• having your friends desert you;         (my mate and I feel toxic-unclean-no fun)
• becoming socially isolated                (oh LORD yes)
• missing work and getting fired, or missing school and getting expelled;  (disabled can't work)
• having massive financial problems;   (yes, yes, yes - no heat, no money for mortgages)
• becoming dependent on underfunded government assistance; (we're trying!)
• developing or worsening a substance abuse problem             (I did that in the sixties)
• winding up in jail; and                                                            (NEVER)
• becoming homeless and living on the street.                          (a few steps away)

Thanks, Ms. Castle, for painting that very true-to-life picture for what can await those who never quite grasp that there's something wrong with them, and it's not their fault!  For so many years I didn't have a clue, even with a living breathing diagnosis in 1988 of "familial bipolar disorder" I didn't GET it.  I remember thinking -- "well, it's not like it's 'manic depression' or anything serious!!"

But it WAS serious and has ruled big chunks of my life in the worst possible way.  There are a lot of us out there -- walking around without a clue.  If you think ANY of this has any relevance for you, do some reading, get out and talk to some people.  Life CAN be better.