When the whip Comes down *

Time to report in again as I want to discipline myself re this writing thing, even it is just an occasional "woe is me, alas and alack!!"
I've been living in  the San Francisco Bay Area for longer than I can remember.  There are those who know me who will laugh uproariously and say: "you never remember anything!"  Ha. Ha. Get off my back, you little punks!  I've got a trained attack cat; she admittedly is too sleepy to take the job seriously.  But she's here and helps keep me cheerful, which is a really good thing for a person with a basketful of brain disorders and not enough money to go around.

God, why me?  Eternal answer: Why not?  Somebody's gotta do it.  Somebody's got to "cheerfully" pick up the mantle of the deranged and wear it for a lifetime, leaving the others in one's life in a state of confusion, annoyance, fear and  irritation. The qualities that one exhibits unconsciously can leave one's child or children, as well as one's partner, damaged for life. Or, the worst that can happen will happen: they will go, and all those voices in your gut all those years that said: "you don't love me" will have been true.  We fail to see our own responsibility in that little dance.

The problem with that, from a selfish point of view, is that after a while people get tired of you and want to be around more cheerful people.  Then the "shame cycle" sets in, the worthlessness, the feeling of being a burden, and the incredible desire to slip this mortal coil.

There's not necessarily any sympathy in the circle of one's friends for all of this.  First of all, in so many cases (such as my own) the diagnosis comes rather late in life in terms of raw suffering.  Second, when my doctor, the late, esteemed Dr. Peter Forsham of the University of California in San Francisco, gave me his first diagnosis, it horrified me so much I eventually threw it away and unfortunately don't recall what it contained.

Denial in cases of mental illness is a common thing, as VERY FEW of us would choose a lifetime struggle with the demons in one's brain -- who would?  When I saw the doctor again, he presented me with  a diagnosis "for the layman" which I didn't really understand at the time. The simple diagnosis was "familial bipolar disorder with occasional psychotic breaks."

"Aha! (loose quotation!) thought I -- "at least it's nothing serious like manic depression!"  As many of you know, manic depression is precisely what it was, and the meds they had in the late 80 's were not much good for depressed, suicidal me. As a mom, I had to be responsible for my babies at a certain point on my own, having divorced their father at an age when those tender little beings could not understand what was happening, obviously even less than I did.

At that point I had NO comprehension of what a "psychotic break" was, and I'm still not sure that I do.  I've had times of "counter-irritation" -- banging one's head against a wall to make the interior pain go away  -- actions like that are certainly not normal, and hard on the head and wall as well.  Not to be recommended.  I have since found out that I also am plagued with "Borderline Personality Disorder" -- a condition that tends to drive people away from one's circle, as the afflicted run hot and cold.                              

I don't know if my relationship with my children's father would have held up  if I had been "normal", but a lot of other things might have.  I've made so many bad choices that I have literally gone from relatively very well off into the land of Food Stamps, Medi-Cal, free psychiatric help and other benefits.  When I was well off, I NEVER could have afforded a $550/hour psychiatrist.  Zowie, the incredible benefits of landing on the wrong side of a huge, brutal National financial crisis.  Yep, you betcha. I can "afford" a remarkably kind doctor who actually seems to like me, and oh yes, it matters.

I have very little ability to concentrate, but concentrate I must as I go off to apply for food stamps online, which terrifies me for some reason.  I got thrown out of the "Hope Team" they'd called together in nearby Marin for people with severe brain disorders because I am 20 miles away from the county line, and I have, as a result, not gotten it all together.  I can not concentrate.

I tell these tales and reveal these wounds so that others of our tribe will know they are not alone.  Someday perhaps my story will be brighter.

May the sun shine upon you.  May all those wounded find peace,

Julie                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

* Tip o' the hat to the Rolling Stones ...



\\

Post Short Sale

Well, hello strangers -- what a looong strange trip it definitely has been.  Since I've last seen you, the ax has fallen, the guillotine too, and every other symbol of a sudden violent ending of one life.  There is renewal available, I hear, and deep and real happiness. Or so I've been told.  I've been writing the occasional, actual article over at www.allvoices.com/users/juliebryant, so come on over and see me.

However, I've found that I need someplace wherein to mumble and groan just a bit, for the times they are a changing, and I don't much like what I see.  I need a place for informality,where it is understood that if I use all CAPS it really DOES mean I am shouting.  I get angry these days, and must find some way of expressing that! In the world of "real" journalism that sort of thing matters, but in my own special world I shall do as I please.

Paradox, pair o' ducks, what difference does it make?  Sooo I think I'm coming back to the Wood (this blog) though I've been kicked out of it by the Bank.  "It furthers one to cross the Great Water" (I Ching) and I think it furthers one to cross the small water too. And so we have.

In the new American tradition of robbing the poor to prop up the rich, my family has been taken advantage of, and 2 people with a basketful of flaming mental illnesses burgled.  "America, America, God Sheds His Grace on Thee, and Crowns Thy Good with brotherhood from sea to shining sea."

Yes, indeedy.  Then why do the ranks of our people swell with toothless, decaying, poor folk who suddenly don't have a chance?  I've unexpectedly joined them, and it is something else. If we want to buy anything, we have to think about it.  2 phones?  Impossible.  Movies?  No.  A new computer to replace this poor thing I've banged to death?  Nope.  Well. Sadly I know there are so many worse off than me.  I've seen so many teenagers homeless in freezing weather, bundled against the cold, walking through the nights in packs together.  Aieeee, America, what have you done to your children?

I've been wanting to chat over here since I started Allvoices, so here I come, beginning with a muted hello, as the cats and husband have collapsed into sleepy land, and they are luring me too; it is literally impossible to resist.

Lots o' love, 

Julie Bryant      

http://www.allvoices.com/users/juliebryant

Mama Needs a Lawyer (That's ME, folks)

Okay, my dears, it has come to this: the modern day version of the East Indian "begging" bowl. One of those "when bad things happen to good people"moments.  I have put this day off for so long, but I have discovered that I am indeed alone, with few resources.  Some of what has occurred to me was the result of faulty brain chemistry and an inflated sense of my own worth.  Another part in my financial ruin and potential homelessness was the big real estate crash of 2007, and the part I wasn't looking out for had to do with the betrayal  -- a few hundred thousand dollars worth -- by a close relative I'd loved and trusted his whole life.

He's doing quite well for himself, but I'd like my money back.  Quite simply put -- you don't take money from older, mentally ill aunts and leave them to lose their homes and sanity, to be without heat for for years.I'm pretty frightened, and it's hard to beg. Many of my friends are in the same position as I am. Our government betrays us -- why should we be surprised when kinfolk do?

And this "begging" thing -- watch and wait, because this is not going to stop. America thinks it as rich; but ask her people.  If a country has thousands and thousands of persons like me facing foreclosure, with 28 years of stuff to sort through and a head as empty as a trout -- what is to become of us?  A tent somewhere in the hills back of the cul-de-sac, or perhaps in the middle of one?

I'm sorry to be so raw, but this is were it's at. Trying for strength as the world roils and boils around me and those others adrift in our land.

The Quiet Suffering of Americans

I see Tax Games are afoot in the Senate and the House again.  The Senate today passed the Middle Class Tax Cut, hopelessly knowing the House will veto it. I have NEVER imagined a Congress that could be so arrogant relative to the needs/lives of their people.

 The middle class is bearing the burdens of the policies of the 'unfunded wars' of the last ten years, and also those shiny tax cuts. We did not want these wars and they have helped bring this country to its knees.  There are vast numbers of people suffering quietly, feeling ashamed to be hungry, in denial about their financial condition, poor, and wondering how everything changed. 

If you wish to read the rest of this article, please follow this link AllVoices.com ... the reason for this is that the site invited me to submit this piece for their "American Pundit" contest, and one of the rules is that the article not be found in its' entirety anywhere else.  So please follow on over -- it's a great space and I will operate at both locations. As soon as I can figure out how to link to my site on AllVoices! UNDER CONSTRUCTION!

Usually I will be found at both places, as I love my little blog.

Thanks, Julie

Hey!! Hey!! Come on over and see the rest of this AWARD WINNING ARTICLE! WHOOP!! on Allvoices.com ...THIS article won $250 and 1st prize at the fantastic Allvoices.com ...

Allvoices is a wonderful reading space for online journalism re all things international -- all things, period!!  Drop on by and read the rest, and come see me there with my little honor!!!

Mean Mitt Romney

It seems that I respond most urgently when something arises in America the Beautiful that I fear, dislike, worry about and am suspicious of. And oh Mitt Romney, I grow weary of you. I tire of your imperial stylings and superior ways.

We have looked for clues in your facade, and now there are plenty. Today I'd say we have hard evidence of what has been more clear daily -- it's why nobody EVER liked him. He hides behind his tight little smile and the suits. He is the ultimate Robo-Suit, our Mitt. And Mitt Romney is mean.

Have you noticed how he goes OFF when anyone dares query him? I've witnessed him lash out at reporters frequently when he doesn't like the question.  I don't like him.  I don't like his smirk, his pretense at a smile, the radiant angelic look he puts on.  You can almost see his false freaking halo.

Despite his sometimes angelic, prep boy look, I have never seen him able to deal positively with a challenging question, no matter how cheerfully it's put, or how straight and upfront the questioner might be. He is condescension personified.  He is sarcastic, nasty, and utterly abrasive.  I don't think he can feel the pain of those he considers his inferiors, and to people of that sort we ALL are. Don't be fooled by this guy. There's nothing there there except the urge to dominate the Country.  He's no healer.

Why does he want to be President? Well, power of course; I think that's a given for all of them. That particular urge is dominant in just a relatively few men. They don't have to be good, scrupulous people, as I was always brainwashed to think they were. Mitt Romney is first and foremost a man of business, rather like Ebeneezer Scrooge.  People who favor business as an occupation tend to nurture their treasure chest rather than the people who work for them.  "Greed is good," right?

He is waaay too much like old Scrooge! He is a Master Surgeon of Business, who will NEVER feel anything but satisfaction as he practices his dark art to destroy Government, to mess with the rights of the infirm, sick, elderly -- the vulnerable, impoverished people of America.  He will gleefully balance the budget on the back of the poor, as is often said. He will starve Government to death, ignoring the fact that GOVERNMENT JOBS ARE JOBS!!  I ask you, what is wrong with these people? What kind of human being consciously destroys aid for the "surplus population" and smiles when he does it?

He is a "severe" practitioner of Surgical Business!  Beware, all ye who are the disabled, the mentally ill and those given a body that is not um of the fair, firm and white variety. He will cut us to the bone, slicing off what he sees as the rotten flesh (weak people; bad debt) and separating it (US) from the Body instead of allowing the healing of the Body as a whole.

That's his way. He doesn't care, he can't see beyond his world, he feels superior to everyone not in his little universe. His world is private, double veiled by the secret, arcane world of his church and his position as one of the richest men in America.

He's like a pre-enlightened Siddhartha, a prince of Ancient India who had never been allowed to leave his palace for fear he be affected by the poverty, decay and wretchedness of common people.  Before he left his palace he was merely a spoiled princeling who had no idea what the world was really like.  When he insisted upon leaving the safety of his home, he saw all the sickness, poverty, hunger, suffering and death in the world outside his luxurious and cloistered court. In that place all signs of suffering were kept from him, so seeing the world outside was a massive shock. He experienced a great Enlightenment.

In another story that begins similarly, the rich man never leaves his palace, is a spoiled "gentleman" and the Master of all who surround him.  He doesn't truly serve his people but exploits them.  He has no enlightenment experience as he is cosseted in his many mansions and never sees the poor.  Perhaps he acts as a patron and public servant in the context of his own church, The Church of Latterday Saints, which is one of America's strangest forms of "Christianity". Most forms of Christianity sell "service" to their fellowship, but we do know is that he's no "public servant".  For so many years he has concentrated on running for President and ruining people's lives at Bain Capital.

Nobody could ever mistake Mitt for a servant of anything -- every smirk, sneer and false smile tells you that. He looks at the People's Entitlements like a shark looks at a seal. Like a surgeon, he wants to get the job done, cut and sew up the body politic, discard the decayed rubbish and be off.  Trouble is, that rubbish will be the ever weaker, undermined people of the United States, and that will include many of  US.  Is this what we really, truly want?

That's how he was at Bain and that is how he would be as a President.  I could go on about Women, Gays and all of our minorities, but I think we all have a pretty clear idea of Mean Mitt Romney's feelings.  He doesn't have any. He reminds me of a robotized being, an alien in a suit.

Oh! And then there was the Leadership he showed when he and his Prep School Posse attacked a younger, weaker boy to the point where his screams and pleas for help were heard by others too afraid to jump in.  This attack was called "savage" by many of the men who took part in it; all of them remembered the incident decades after it occurred. Only would-be "Fearless Leader" Romney didn't seem to recall the life-changing attack on that young man, nor any of the other "harmless pranks" he played.  Nor does the would-be President have a care for the people whose lives he has trashed financially.

Way to go, Christian Soldier, way to go.

Tyler Perry and Racial Profiling

I heard that Actor/Producer Tyler Perry was stopped by the police for absolutely NOTHING the other week and then saw him giving an interview about this encounter. My apologies to Mr. Perry, a most intelligent, accomplished, successful man. I am ashamed to have skin color in common with those violent meat-heads that stopped him.

I feel we're in big trouble, heading into Police State territory, and we'd better look sharp, all of us, and try to help our fellows.  I know what it feels like to be frightened by the police, though on a minor basis.  Once,  while my companion and I were returning a rental vehicle at midnight, we were stopped by a single police-man. It was terrifying, and I felt his immediate presumption of "guilty until proven innocent." His tone was suspicious, harsh, and terrifying.  It felt as though WE were being accosted by a criminal.

"Get OUT of the car. STEP AWAY FROM THE CAR." Next he  had my boyfriend up against the vehicle while he patted him down.

The guy was a freaking dentist, for god's sake. But in that moment, I got it. I really, really got it.

My god what a country this is, that cops hired to protect us can be our worst enemies, and will stop harass, frighten ordinary human beings for no reason at all.  As we have seen so frequently, even "pretend" cops can even  harm or kill a person for no reason but skin color/just because they can.  What if Mr. Perry hadn't been famous, but simply an ordinary (or not!) man of color? Things might've gone down much differently that night.  Fortunately he KNEW that and put on the submissive ACT of another era. It's a damned good thing he's an actor.

Somehow I don't think he would have been stopped dressed up like "Madea" (hahahaha - forgive the joke, please!). This, to me, means it's the same stale macho white man stomping on the black man poison. That surely says a lot about how far we've come as a nation since the Civil War -- not very. Those same white old dinosaurs are calling or firing the shots -- literally these days.

Yes, it's great to have our first black President - I love our Prez and his family. He is trying so hard, and has been met with so much hatred, vitriol and threats of violence. I was astonished as Mitch (turtle-head) McConnell smirked while he stated that his one desire was to make sure that Mr. Obama would be a one term President. As we have noticed, the GOP HAS put all its intention on defaming, and derailing our President's vision.  Most of us think racism has a lot to do with this.

If those ol' boys want to hold back one black man, they want to hold back all of them except for a few symbols, tokens  that make them seem color-blind.  As if.  Sad to say, having our first black President has brought out the worst in the skinheads, neo-Nazis, survivalists and all the fringe elements of the right. Unfortunately they seem to be multiplying all too rapidly.

Before my mother died in 1994, saying she'd seen enough of where the world was heading, she told me she thought there would be another targeting of African Americans soon. Since our President was elected, it's as though the trolls, demons, orcs, creeps, zombies and all the evil that lurks in the heart of mankind has come once again to poison what we thought would become a far "more perfect union", as our President wrote.

I thought we were further along than this.  To Mr. Perry, this sort of thing makes me ashamed of my race, although slimy cops perhaps are their own species. To my President - they have done everything to stop all the good you have tried to accomplish, while the POLICE STATE grows yearly, threatening us all.

To quote the Buffalo Springfield from a song written during a similar time in our history:

"For What It's Worth":


"There's somethin' happenin' here,
 What it is ain't exactly clear
 There's a man with a gun over there
 Tellin' me I got to beware


 I think we stop, children, what's that sound?
 Everybody look what's goin' down

Bullying, Slut-Shaming, the Country and Me

Recently I saw a poster of a subdued girl on a bus with a bunch of guys jeering at her.  This image brought back everything I endured as a girl in a small town. Riding the bus to school was an agony as every boy on the bus -- or so it seemed -- harassed me.  We lived in Merced, California, which was at the time a tiny town known as "The Gateway to Yosemite".  The populace at that time was about  20 thousand, surrounded by ranches of all sorts, and many of those rich ranchers' sons remind me now of G.W. Bush.

I ruled the playground for the first several years of grade-school, but then I was forced to get glasses.  My popularity vanished almost overnight. I was a smart, dorky girl for a period from 4th grade through 9th grade, when my mom got me contact lenses. Before this occurred, I'd learned that the shy and weak attract aggressors. As I grew more attractive the whole creepy thing just got worse. We lived on the outskirts of town, and I had about 1 1/2 miles to walk to school, a good part on a truck bearing roadway.  Fun, huh?

Guys honked and whistled and shouted obscenities -- it was AWFUL. As I became much more willing to take a stand the violence surrounding me grew. Things were so much different then.  Girls sat primly on the grass, forced to wear SKIRTS in the worst of weather. Seriously, it didn't matter how hard it was raining or how freaking cold it was - our legs had to be bare or we had to wear those primitive stockings and GIRDLES -- oh the horror!

For those who are too young to know what these atrocities are, look 'em up, the ghastly things.  There were no comfortable leggings or tights for us. I doubt that anyone gave any thought to the girls and our comfort, and I remember the feeling of unfairness that my legs and I endured throughout my school years.

The boys, however, could of course wear pants and sprawl around as they pleased. I've always liked  lying around, so it occurred to me one day to relax at lunchtime like the guys! Within minutes people were throwing tomatoes and other foods at me, and even some rocks.  When I got up later I found a dead bird in my purse. My companion, an exchange student from Spain, was so furious he wanted to cause mayhem.  How could this happen in the great America, he wondered. 

These memories are coming up again, and there are a lot of them. The shaming didn't just come from the boys/men either. The dean of girls called me a "witch" in front of a few hundred people.   My senior history teacher made inappropriate remarks about me when he caught me day-dreaming, intimating that I was day dreaming about last night's SEX. Oh please. If that isn't sexism, pure and simple, I don't know what is. "Slut-shaming" is its more "mature" and uglified self;

These few stories are a tiny fraction of that kind of behavior and its effect on my life, or on the lives of others who've had the same sort of experience.  I have been sexually assaulted and experienced the kind of "slut-shaming" that is occurring once again in our land. This was years ago, and in some ways I do not think I am over it. I still automatically crosses the street when I see more than one man hanging out  together on a sidewalk. I am still shy in ways that I think I ought not to be and a lot of this scarring originates from the YEARS of that kind of vicious sexism. I prefer now to live in a more isolated fashion.

Who's afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?  Hell yes -- I am.  Being chased down a country road near Sacramento by the ZODIAC KILLER didn't help.  But that story is for another time,

I think -- yes, it seems that at this time our culture is even more severely degraded. The very real victims of a society gone wrong are its children. I look at the faces of the kids who've been scarred, at home or at school, and wonder what the hell is wrong with us, as individuals and as a country.

Limbaugh and the War on Women

It seems as though Rush Limbaugh lingers like a bad dream in my subconscious, and the only way to exorcize him is by writing until he goes away.  How can such a blubbery whale of venom and bloody self-righteousness be allowed to RULE the airwaves?  Why is he always rubbing his body when he's being filmed doing his job?  When he was demonizing Ms. Sandra Fluke he couldn't keep his hands off himself. Ick. There are many, many true gentleman in the Conservative movement, for example George Will and the late William F. Buckley, Jr.  WHY is Limbaugh the de facto KING of the CONSERVATIVES, this man without any self-awareness at all?  What does his lofty position in "society" really say about us AND the U.S. and OUR current values?

He'd most likely blame anybody but himself for being a boiling piss-pot of rage. This man has the gall to say the most toad-like remarks, words that pour like slimy polliwogs from his mouth. He blames women: bad mommy! eeevil Girl Scouts (huh? tiny-femi-Nazis in training??); his ex-wives, his house-cleaners -- ANY woman unfortunate enough to cross his path.

He stirs the cauldron of hate and seems to relish his role in the degradation of speech in this country.  Yup, First Amendment rights for all, except for gays, minorities, the 'elites' - not a single person in the country has properly, logically defined this word "elite/s in any way. What have we got here: liberal elite, elite media, elite universities, newscasters, newspapers? How can you define a word when it is a 'one size fits all’ insult?

One comment on that point of view, and this is the matter of attacks upon Education -- particularly science and the matter of EVOLUTION and (mournful sigh) Devolution When (if ever) do we grasp what is happening on our home, this beautiful, beautiful earth, and stop with the name-calling already!

Anyone, I mean ANYONE who goes after GIRL SCOUTS is a blight upon the land (I was one -we sat around the campfire singing "Kum Ba Yah" with innocent hearts and hope for the future.) That man whose hatred of a gender extends to the tiniest of the species, or anyone who doesn't think like King Rush; gets sliced and diced faster than a carrot in a Cuisinart! WITCH! (or in Rush Terms, "itch-Bay", unt-cay, femi-Nazi, ad nauseam.)

Don't you just love the idea of that man poisoning the minds of the people of America? There are so many damned fine guys out there, and they are needed for a set of problems that have never beset the world before. We need to work in tandem, in harness together, or we might as well kiss our glorious country and its formerly heroic status in this world goodbye.

So can we get off the Trash Talk Train and get back to business?

Somehow I doubt that the Founding Fathers had Rush Limbaugh in mind when they envisioned an America in the future. Don't get me wrong -- free speech in a free society is essential, but there is a difference between writing an op-ed piece and turning the hoses and rubber bullets on innocent albeit annoyed protestors like the kids in Oakland at the Occupy protests. Oh, beauteous, bounteous America, you're looking like a police state instead of the Land o' the Free. Swell, just swell.

As many women have been observing lately, there is a giant conservative movement to keep us down on our knees, scrubbing the floors, and servicing our husbands/masters -- yes, serving them in all ways (see “Mad Men" - and yes, it really WAS like that).  Now that we have shown what we CAN DO in the world and in the workplace many men are feeling just a wee tad frustrated by our intellect, capacities and ability to perform as well as a man.  Now we have the incentive of equal pay for equal work; thank you Lily Ledbetter and the Prez.  Just keep keeping the word "obey" out of those wedding ceremonies!!

My god I never thought I would see our country go Retro so fast, ever ever.  But I have noticed that when there is a time of great Change people become fearful.  When people are fearful, they tend to suppress those that are smaller and weaker -- i.e. women and children, gays and minorities.  Close your eyes if you will, but the signs of this Change - migrations of populations, extinction of species and the geographical changes of the earth in general are all around us.  I think the men are frozen in primeval terror and have turned their unwelcome attention to "fixing" and repressing women as opposed to fixing bridges, roads, medical care, and so forth.

Women have been dominated and suppressed like chattel for thousands of years.  Yes, we have made some advances, but even those are in danger and I think we'd better stamp out this new but dangerous fire here and NOW.  I thought politicians were supposed to -- govern?  They are elected to do things like fix the roads and bridges - but from the moment of THE previous election most of them begin planning for re-election, jousting for power for tasks they don't do, and trying to interfere in the most private women's business, which is NO BUSINESS of men except within a family!  If this sort of "Father Knows Best" "Leadership" from the GOP persists we're going to have some damned upset women in this country.

The commonplace but incredibly important tasks of running this country seem quite secondary to the current batch of Republican politicians. They are sooo busy making sure "the gals" are in their place, with wombs open for business non-stop.  Endless Viagra for all, covered by insurance, and a job for the ladies for the next 20 or so years whether they want it or not.  Rush Limbaugh (he of three wives and who knows how many affairs) decries the amount of sex all we sinful people out there are having as he's caught with a friend's Viagra.  Well, Rush -- there will be less sex all right, and we monogamous couples will be NO exception, unless you fancy playing Russian roulette with the old "rhythm method". I did, and I have two lovely daughters to show for it! One was conceived during the first day of my cycle, the other during the last day.  So much for that approach!

Once women understand that Viagra puts her in danger of her next pregnancy, how interested do you think they will be in keeping those fires hot within your relationship?  And as for the guys -- I predict that new brothels will be doing a booming business with frustrated, attention needing (and deserving) husbands and eventually, there will be hell to pay as the formerly cheerful voting block of happy, independent women lose their freedom to their 8 children while her husband is enslaved to the modern version of the "company store" and a "more understanding" woman on the side.

I know JUST where this is going because we as a Nation founded by Puritans have done this before.  We are obsessed with sex; we are ashamed of sex.  We are so repulsed by it that our movies have been sexually suppressed by moguls for decades.  The movies we allow our children to see are for the most part filled with unspeakable horror and violence, or repugnant swill of some sort.

At least the GOP candidates have been VERY clear about their philosophy: no Planned Parenthood, eventually, or as little contraception as possible, Viagra on demand, women enslaved -- but they played their hand so ruthlessly and quickly that hopefully we do NOT FORGET.

Marriage is for procreation, they say.

I mean come on!  There are a lot of reasons for people who want sex not to marry -- loss of benefits, various legal issues, etc.  Or simply, people marry for companionship, to pool resources, because they are lonely and don't want to be alone.  For Example my 85 years + years old Granny married an 89 year old gentleman (a very innocent, young accountant for AL CAPONE in his junior years) for companionship.

Is there a Cookbook Plan out there for defining and legislating the morality of Senior Sexuality? Should they be allowed to marry at all? If marriage is for procreation, according to the staunch protestations of Newt, Rick and Willard -- should Seniors even be allowed to wed? Why? They can't procreate, so if that's the reason Gays can't marry, why should Seniors ... how does your philosophy stand up to that question?  Quite simply, it can't.

The hypocrisy around the word "Life" is staggering, since the gang pushing us to change our ways doesn't want to provide for the "Life" it wishes to force upon our country. The world groans with an unsustainable population, while the medieval Pope insists that the population grow unchecked.  I do not mean to offend, but it seems to me that many religions are stuck in the middle ages and do not have the flexibility to change their policies even about contraception.  The priests prefer the rich, cloistered halls and cool chambers inhabited only by a world of men and hairless young boys.  We were too blind to see.

Women, get yourselves elected -- there's only a few ways we're going to turn this around -- through the help of our men, at the voting booth, and by helping to shape the policy!! Plus, in the words of Graham Nash, "Teach Your Children Well".

Consider Rush Limbaugh and the shocking degree of ignorance he betrayed on the pill as contraception:  his understanding is that you take a pill every time you want to have sex! That left me absolutely choking with laughter - what an idiot. And HE is the one teaching all this crap to all those people who soak up his "knowledge" on a daily basis. What horrifies me is that folks actually BELIEVE him. All those good men and women traveling through the states listening to BIG RADIO get their education every day.

We must educate all of our children about American and World history and the current political climate so that they can be informed voters as they mature.  We and our children MUST somehow be protected/protect ourselves from this most vile, paternalistic form of hateful of government, which masquerades as the world's greatest Democracy.  Maybe we still are, but our vaunted freedoms are slipping away, under attack by Right and Left.

Then there's that "SMALL GOVERNMENT" that the GOP wants to foist upon us -- as opposed to a Government that exists to SERVE its people.  Any Government that assumes the radical power to "rape" a woman with a cylindrical tube is no small government, despite what the GOP says they desire.  Don't believe them -- they want "kitchen slaves" again
.
How does that work for the rest of us - women, minorities, the poor - and our desire to be rocket scientists, physicists, doctors, nurses, teachers, etc.?

It doesn't.

I want my country and the hope and opportunity it represented, and still could.  Really. It still could.

Professor Rush-Bo The Hutt and the Public Discourse

It's time; it's more than time, to find a way to cleanse the public Airwaves.  We suffer from tiresome pollution of the radio by obscene trash-talking shock jocks, and this has risen into a virulent flood as the elections near.  As I am incurably naive I had thought - had hoped - that the chilling, graphic scenes of hatred would be absent from the 2012 elections - why I certainly don't know.

Education is a topic on the public consciousness these days. The President has asked everyone to try for at least another year of training after high school.  There is so much opportunity and necessity to absorb other content than vicious political ads and diatribe.  God I am sick of vulgar programming by vulgar people that have been allowed to, indeed been welcome to run amok on the radio, becoming the de facto Political Science professors of this country, forming people's viewpoints with poisonous bile. 

It is a sobering thought, if you give it some attention, that people like Limbaugh and his ilk are busy educating people who spend hours a day in cars, trucks or home behind the range. These Americans, whose minds are perfectly active and hungry for education, are literally soaking up distorted, uglified politics as though these "facts' - were tried, tested and absolutely TRUE. 

Are we aware that we are providing a very poor but effective type of "adult education" on the airwaves of the land? If we are aware of this, do we feel this sort of brain-food is appropriate for our ever less educated population? Who do you think is responsible for the fact that more of the South than EVER thinks the President is a Muslim/follower of Islam?  Does the Free Speech Amendment guarantee this staggering manipulation of the public airwaves and of the public trust??

My god, Advertisers; there will be hell to pay if you let that noxious Pot of Bile continue to shame and demean the Daughters of America. We have heard and witnessed a 3 day assault on a young woman of obvious breeding and character!  How would you feel if Sandra Fluke had been YOUR daughter?   

I personally would have felt an intense pride in either of my daughters, both of whom are about the same age as Ms. Fluke, for standing up and speaking out in the glare of the public spotlight.  I would also have felt, as I do now, a sense of utter, unmitigated rage at the verbal rape by Mr. Limbaugh of a woman of integrity.  

He and his radio brethren have attacked women so often and consistently and we have become the perennial victims of the Airwaves.  I doubt that many women enjoy his anti-female shtick this stuff even if they're identified with guys in some way.  Those raised in extreme climates have to make do, and those women are TOUGH. A girl raised among 7 brothers will have a different perspective than an older daughter of a younger brother, or one sister among another three others.  My point is that we are half the world's population, that we are the Mothers and the Grandmothers, the Lovers, the Sisters, the Comrades at Work.

We are coming into own as the Spiritual Counselors (except at places like the Vatican, where we count for nothing at all), the nurses, midwives, scholars and teachers -- and are because the "powers that be" are allowing it.  

When we realize what an effect listening to this sicko belittle our contributions to our society - the "slut-shaming", we have to stop and know this:

WE have let him get away with it, and shame on us if we continue to submit ourselves to this sort of harassment and degradation.  I mean, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD HIM TALK ABOUT WOMEN without using the terms "Femi-Nazis", "itch-Bays” or unt-Cays?" I haven't, but I will confess that I cannot tolerate listening to him for more than a few moments.

I say it's time to get more creative and put something else on radio other than grumpy hate-fests and shock jocks. I've had midnight encounters with obscure, brilliant programming stuck where nobody hears it, whereas Rush is out there front and center, a hate-filled, bilious representative of "America the Beautiful". 

There are so many people with positive points of view.  My simple suggestion is that we put more cool, educational and stimulating programming out there to fill the vacuum that will occur if we can get rid of Limbaugh and his ilk, RIGHT OR LEFT. Let's get educational content on the airwaves, no more toxic, inflammatory crap. PLEASE!! We NEED it from any source we can find!  Our school systems are degenerating; let's make use of the airwaves.

Oh, and in case I forgot to mention it, PLEASE STOP ADVERTISING WITH LIMBAUGH, FOREVER.

He hates women more than anyone, even minorities, and that probably has something to do with his known problems with ED.  Google "Rush and Viagra" -- I don't want to go further!

Secret Watchers of Harmless Bloggers

Hello to all and any, and a very Happy New Year to you!

As some of you know, I am greatly concerned with the tide of Conservatism suppressing women, gays and minorities in our country, blended with the militarization of our Homeland police and security forces occurring in the United States these days.  We're setting ourselves up for a fascist state, and if you don't believe me remember the "papers please" law in Arizona, or the police attacks on Occupy Oakland and the horrific pepper spray attacks at Davis.

I received a little "security shock" of my own the other day.  We amateur writers love to check our statistics with apps like "Statcounter" or "Sitemeter" -- these 'visitor counters' give us an idea of who is reading us -- if anybody!!  I have been pleasantly surprised to find that in my year off far more people than I could have imagined found me.

Among them, and quite recently, was the AT&T Security Team from Washington D.C.  These big boys spent about five minutes at my site.  At another time they came checking in again.

I got a chill in my blood.  Is this how it starts -- the tamping down of civil rights, the disintegration of the freedoms of ALL our people, despite our belief systems and our Constitutional right to free speech?

AT&T Security from Washington DC is keeping its eyes on me.  This does not make me feel safe or secure, particularly since  Dictatorships like China are locking up their liberal bloggers.  We are a long way from that, I believe, but I'm starting to feel a tad bit uneasy.

Hoarders, Lunatics and Daughters

I mentioned the other day that I had a "feeling" my younger daughter was closer than I thought she'd be, and sure enough, she surprised the hell out of me the other day by sauntering in the door one fine evening.  She was in full retreat from the UK winter -- London post-riots and pre-winter was just too much for a California girl to bear.

I am lucky to be able to keep her for a while, for her response upon walking into our house was deep despair.  Finally, after 10 years of being away most of the time, when she got a good look at the dear family home, a miserable combination of financial disaster, two physically/mentally disabled adults (one a hoarder dear god) -- she almost left right then and there.

But the woman who came home is a vastly different person than the girl who left.  To my shock, this new (to me), fully responsible human came home and began to shovel out the Augean Stables.  This is an ancient Grecian mythological reference to a stable that never could be cleaned, no matter how hard the person worked.  So it would seem at my house after 27 years of raising children, becoming permanently spinally injured and then losing the money I had to pay a friend to clean house for us.

PLUS!  My sweet Patrick is a true-to-life-watch-it-on-the-television-show Hoarder -- from "Hoarders" -- we are trying to change our lifestyles, and it is a difficult thing indeed.  As someone who has taken the mighty plunge over Niagara Falls without a barrel financially lately -- had a home stolen by a bank and a relative as well -- my mind has disappeared in the process, and once things start to get away from you they don't fall back together very easily -- I feel like Humpty Dumpty.  All the King's Men are here, trying to shove me and my mess together, but they cannot do it, man!

My daughter has been more and more annoyed as the depths of the chaos is revealed, and I cannot blame her.  I think parents are supposed to be more adult than I've been able to be -- this brain thing has really gotten in my way, this bi polar disorder -- not to mention being crushed by the economy.  My girl thinks I've also got Borderline personality disorder, and me -- besides feeling like a loser, I - I - "wish I had a river I could skate away on." (Joni Mitchell).

But one day at a time; we just paddle on one day at a time.

The GOP likes Women -- in Their Place!

What gives you Political MEN the right -- the vaguest suggestion of an idea that YOU should have a single thing to say about the disposition of the body of any woman in this country?  You have no right to touch any legislation that controls the physical well-being of the daughters of America.

Certainly we want your support in our desire for our health and ability to live lives unhindered by situations that place us at risk. But lately you have shown that you do not understand us.  You wish to force us into lives of poverty by denying us Choice, the literal power to choose the size of the families we must forever support, no matter what our liabilities might be.  For example, I raised 2 children with bipolar disorder -- undiagnosed at the time -- I did the very very best I could, only to hear the words "You didn't raise us; we raised ourselves!" thrown at me when conversations take a dark turn during the holiday season.

If I had been forced to bear the two other children that wanted a place in my body, my rational mind would have shattered more often and my ability to care for 4 would have been nil.  I don't see that anyone outside of a person's intimate home and family should be able to control what happens  in circumstances like mine -- when there's a mental illness that is exacerbated by the stress -- physical, mental, emotional -- of bearing children.  Make no mistake -- having my babies was the best, happiest thing I have ever done -- but the angelic beings that love you without condition are temporary, and often-times replaced by those who have contempt for your weakness.  It's a "pack" thing.  We haven't evolved much.

It is clear that to refuse all women options that MEN disapprove of is neither rational nor in any way good for the future of the planet, human relationships, or the children born into circumstances where their cradle might be a bottom drawer in somebody's bedroom.  Many of these "leaders" want to lead the little ladies all the way back into the kitchen, with motherhood the only option, and yet no good way of making it on a one person salary.  What's up with this?

My mother always taught me to ask: who benefits? I hear the old Judeo-Christian desert God Yahweh bellowing through these fundamentalist Leaders of all sects, trying to get the women back into our tents again, under the stern control of men we don't even know.  Guess what?  That doesn't work for the 51%!! We women actually have the vote now -- though it took us longer than anyone else, and I don't think we're going to give the power we have achieved back.  In fact many of us think we deserve more representation by our own gender.

I think these guys are motivated by the unconscious desire to put the genie back in the bottle, by dis-empowering us further,  and it's disgusting.  They aren't God and should stop pretending.  It's literally repugnant to women, this paternalistic rule-making by the boys' club. If one stops, pay attention for a moment and takes a closer look at the faces our our representatives -- they are almost all male. Politics is, after all, quite the "blood sport" and a woman has to be tough as nails -- think of Secretary of State Clinton -- to survive the usual witch-hunts that occur when a woman is taken seriously.

But in order for we women to protect ourselves and our daughters/granddaughters, we MUST become more active politically! We must not simply glaze over, sit back and go limp as one by one our human rights, which have taken a few hundred YEARS to hammer out, are taken from us, with great glee, by those who should be our balanced and sane lawmakers.  Get out and Rock the Vote!!  If we want to see a change or thirty, we MUST act.

I personally am sick and tired of being told we are the weaker sex because our bodies are weaker.  I was told early in life that women are less intelligent because -- oh get this -- our brains are smaller.  Sigh.  Like I said, Ladies -- let's get to work.  We need US now!

Even if you did inhale!

For inspiration, and for my idea of the perfect female candidate, go check out Elizabeth Warren's speeches on YouTube.  She is the ideal combination of brains, financial acumen, guts and pure awesomeness! Oh, and she's got serious communications chops; she is the Mother of all Orators!  I hope she's the first woman president, now that Mrs. Clinton has said NO.

"Yahweh or No Way" -- or the Crackly Male Voices of the Old Desert Gods

My partner and I, delicate types, have been on the cusp of the recession, which crushed us like a wave crashing, slamming into a surfer, having having a massive, devastating affect on everything about our lives from 2007 on. I have literally dropped off the cliff from relative wealth to indigence with poor health and no insurance. Having been stricken on all levels, I'm writing to rally myself! I am writing no matter what my audience might be as I cannot help myself.

The world is changing so very rapidly now, and so few people talk about the things I see. I might as well get it out there, else I will burst. There are things that want to be said, that must be said. Things are happening in this country so quickly -- union busters seek to rob from the poor while giving yet more in unnecessary indulgences to the rich -- like thieves in the night these jackals come to steal the raw soul of our country.

Although Mother Earth is poisoned, her creatures dying off by the hundreds and thousands -- we humans, stoked on by the crackly male voice of old desert Gods, resist limiting our species with sane methods like birth control.  We prefer war, plagues, and pestilence and capital punishment -- or at least it seems that way to me.

I wish that it were easy to escape from Life when it got too hard, but we're not supposed to do that, I hear it said.  I just sometimes wish there were a "game over" button when you just feel you've had enough heartache, disappointment, etc.  But hey -- so far I still have my house and having just realized I've had a huge amount of money taken from me, I have hopes of keeping it.  I know so many of you are in the same position, and it hurts to know that.

We're working two Farmers' Markets a week now, and the people there are worried as hell.  It's Christmas time and sales are slow, even in Sausalito CA today.  It's my belief that we're in a depression, no matter what the Pols (as opposed to "polls"; poles; or )say.  I keep reading about more jobs being shipped overseas by the Greedheads, while the GOP tries to decimate government jobs.  On what planet does this make sense??  In what way does the elimination of jobs serve to create jobs??

Someone -- enlighten me, please!  In the meantime, why doesn't anyone care that Mr. John Boehner, a politician that GOP TV personality Morning Joe Scarborough called a "lazy drunk", got to be SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE??? No wonder all he can slur is Noooooo.

And this man's stated goal for all Americans, whether WE (meaning me too, because cold and hunger are now appearing at this house) want it or not, is to make President Obama a one-term President.  I was born in a very minimalist shack on the outskirts of old Gold Rush County.  On my birth certificate my dad was listed as a "ditch digger" although he later got his GED,  graduated from college and got his real estate broker's license as well.

I was never cold or hungry.  Never, not until now.

After pulling this country out of its broken, bleeding economy and giving us 3 million + jobs, ending the Iraqi war not to mention the life of Osama Bin Laden, after beginning to mend the errors of the techno-phobic 19th century style gentlemen who inhabit Washington DC, busily ruining our lives -- what possible excuse is there for the U.S. not to give Mr. Obama (no he is not perfect; I don't care) a second term, just to see what he can do without all the resitance, hopefully-- or at least without a good part of it?

Senator Mitchell and Speaker Boehner are simply put, LOSERS and they, like the mythical suicide-lemmings, are leading their Caucus to disaster, along with all the rest of us.  And they are at least SOMEWHAT familiar with the rules of governance.  The new candidates are a joke.  The only suitable candidate ready to "Occupy the White House" is, in my opinion, already there.

As for the Senate/House in your neck of the woods -- do due diligence, figure out who is truly obviously corrupt, talk/listen to the new faces who want to replace the old faces -- and then, throw the bums out!!

PS:  I MUST attribute the "Yahweh or No Way" quote to Stephen Colbert, although I thought of it somewhere along that time too.  Honestly!  I love you, Stephen!!!

The Return of Imperialism/Tryanny to U.S from Within

How do you feel, my fellow Americans, as you watch the Congress refuse, over and over, to truly serve US, the people of this Republic, while they consistently polish the fat rumps of their Corporate Masters?  I fear we may be watching the beginning of the end of Democracy in the “land of the brave and the home of the free.” If we lose our Power as a People, if we are so easily fooled, if a runaway governor in Wisconsin can dictate radical, radio-active policies and get away with it despite the wishes of the bulk of his constituency, doesn’t that border on Tyranny?  If there are peaceful demonstrations being shut down violently in this country that gives us a right to them, what have we become?

The Republicans have not accepted that going against the will of the people is a very bad idea.  They favor the Imperial style of Leadership, the “my way or the high way” style of rule.  The kind of rule that likes surveillance tools, power in faraway places, and sneak policy attacks in various states that have stripped the working class of people of rights traditional to states such as Wisconsin, and for no reason that would ultimately serve the people.  

That move was part of a Karl Rovian strategy to keep tightening the GOP’s constant attempt to make this a permanently Republican nation.  The further moves to suppress traditionally Democratic (the young, the "other" and the senior citizens) voters threaten our Democracy -- and yet the GOP seems intent upon absolute rule.

Fortunately, it seems as though the people's eyes have opened and a rising tide of  "Oh NO you will NOT!!" may wipe Scott Walker out of his Governor's mansion, and not a minute too soon.

The GOP won the last election by speaking of jobs and “true fiscal conservatism.”  I don't object to  fiscal conservatism as long as it is not drained from the blood of the poor and middle classes.  The neo-cons and Mitt Romney-style businessmen who espouse this philosophy and are elected on the basis of it should not be able to serve in Congress as the lackeys of the rich, either during or after their terms are finished.  The revolving door among between Congressional employment and lobbying is way too porous, and integrity is in short supply. 

  

Congress people are obviously a commodity up for sale – Democrat and Republican, and so obviously.

After throwing all their weight behind the infamous, unnecessary tax break for the rich, Republicans are suddenly moving as one to strip the American Worker of the right to bargain with dignity for wages, hours, etc.  I was amazed that these men could argue so righteously that we must ALL share the pain of balancing the budgets!!  Nothing, said they, could be more important than that. But – wait!! WTF about that tax cut for the rich you bozos passed last year?

  
How, HOW could the richest among us possibly want more when more and more of our children are homeless, wandering the street, gathering at the various Occupy Movements because they have no other place to sleep, among other reasons, of course.

After giving this wretched tax cut to those who didn’t need it – Boehner and Mitchell fought furiously for their own, and now seek to attack entitlements – let the middle class and poor pay the price -- the American people are sinking into a less gracious and conscious form of living.  There have been one million foreclosures last year; so many  more since then -- and yet these heartless people want to place even more stress on the groaning many for the sake of the mighty few.  In such a terrible time as these years have been, the only possible reason is corruption. The latest news is that the unholy GOP voted down the middle class tax extensions, and in so doing are pushing people like me into a lifestyle where "daily bread" is now questionable.

If the GOP continues to stifle our NATURAL FREEDOMS including the right of free assembly, the right to be properly educated, to vote on the matters that concern us, to have a voice on these matters -- and continues to promote the growth of a vast underclass, stripping us of various Rights won in the past -- they will be electorally wiped out at some point—unless they can make good on the next step in their plan, which has to do with making it more difficult for folks in the Democratic demographics, i.e. students and the elderly, who typically vote the Democratic ticket, to vote.

How does that make you feel – to know that this is a nationwide effort by GOP politicos to restrain the Democratic voter-turnout, to destroy collective bargaining, to strip the Unions of all power and to make the United States of America into a dreary banana republic where only one party CAN EVER attain power? 

But who benefits?  Who would have the most to gain, however bizarre, and for what reasons?  In my opinion we are witnessing the struggle between Plutocracy and Democracy in America the Beautiful, and it is an awful sight to witness.  Somehow the de-volution of the Roman Republic into the Roman Empire comes to mind.  Only we're the Roman Empire on crack, and on a quick downward slide.

In my opinion – and this is an opinion piece -- the GOP is trying to create a "new peasantry" -- a modern  breed of children raised as ready cannon fodder (“meet the new boss; same as the old Boss”), for our Orwellian cycle of endless war.  These kids are inheriting the results of our specifically human passion for unchecked arrogance/violence/blood-lust.

Failed by local schools and pre-trained by vicious games, they’ll be snatched up by the Masters of War. As educational systems begin to fail our children the culture becomes more brutal and violent.  Kids spend way too much time fascinated by blood-soaked games put out by the Military – just a little basic training, pre-high school basic training – there are so many army games out there!

How purposeful is the creation of a class of the citizenry more suited for soldiering than the manufacturing jobs we no longer have?  So many of our kids have felt and feel that a life in the military was the only option.  They go because they have to.  They are our modern-day blood sacrifice.  The high and sustained rate of unemployment has made and will continue to make great use of the “feeder pond” of kids with no hope.  These young American heroes go off to serve and fight and die.

And then the heroes come back, but they come back changed, many of them broken, some shattered beyond our help.  Because of the underlying philosophy that sends these people off to war, there’s not enough help for them when they get back --  not for current veterans, nor for the rest of the recycled vets of our many wars; there are so few options. 
 

They deserve everything from us, yet to the GOP that elite 2% is somehow more deserving than our veterans. Our veterans come home, and they have certain particular warlike skill sets.  The folks that aren’t too psychologically or physically damaged have to make a living, and naturally they will look into the U.S. prison and jail systems.  

Some go for the shadowy world of the mercenary; some readjust, go back to school and shake the traumas of War.  Some blow themselves away, too traumatized to go on. Many of them will make excellent tools of any police state, including one right here.  We watch as the armed forces busily militarize our police, and that knowledge scares the hell out of me.

I was disgusted by the presence of Blackwater/Wackenhut security forces patrolling the streets of Wisconsin while the police are on strike.  I was horrified when the peaceful Occupy Oakland protest turned violent.  Who looks like the "land of the free" now? What a bitter joke.

It is important, essential to know that right in front of our eyes we are watching an entire reshuffling of the American Opportunity, a purposeful re-sizing of the American Dream, a casual toss away of our pretense to Excellence.  This fundamental dumbing down of the culture can't be strategic, it just can't be.  Can it?  Again, who benefits?

Fascism is the union of the Military-Industrial-Congressional complex (wonderful choice of words by President Eisenhower), who told us to beware of such a government.  It is my deepest fear that our beloved country is changing in front of our eyes into a collective of little states/tyrannies run by out-of-control, power-mad governors who seem to feel Absolute Power is their Right.  I don’t understand why the GOP members of Congress don’t value their “worthy opposition” and why they seem to be trying to destroy us utterly -- electorally, militarily, and financially -- and we are the 99%!

Holiday Greetings From Bi Polar Central!!

Back from Enforced Blogging "Holiday"!!

Okay, this "not writing because I need to save my life" thing isn't working for me.  My eldest daughter, the beauteous, firm Athena/Artemis like Pacifica, cracks the whip on her crazy mama while being  "freshly pressed" on Wordpress TWO TIMES in the last few months.  That rarely if EVER happens. But it did to my sweet baby doll, a photo-journalist of a unique sort.

Hearing this gets my writing genes frothing at their little mouths, but alas another task has been set for me. I speak of the forensic analysis of the books of my dead "child" -- ie "the house I built just before the crash" which wiped out my worldly possessions, most family relations and left me high and dry with the good sense of a gopher trying to get to a Marijuana plant in a container.

However, Pacifica said: "Now mommy, NO BLOGGING until your project is finished." Because of my mental instability and because "he who must not be named" was supposed to do the damned books and didn't and won't -- if I want to see any of the money back from what was supposed to be a 50/50 partnership, I had to go through every damned receipt from three years of a doomed but gorgeous house, my baby, my beloved. Sniffle. Funny how

Go ahead, laugh all you want. I don't blame you! But I've already got a hole in my head, and I've seen all around me the evidence that what news commentators are saying -- that the folks sliding into the upper echelons of income don't really care about seeing the rest of us fall, as long as THEY are okay. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself in one of the persons I loved most. But you see, I suppose I am an excellent example of the Fool in the Major Arcana of the Tarot.

The Fool in the Tarot Cards is represented in many ways. Many think he is a Spirit character, head lost in thought while he steps into another dimension -- others take him for a person rather like myself, who simply isn't looking where he/she is going and -- SPLAT. I used to favor the first way of thought and now I am truly not so sure, speaking now as I am to you from a puddle over a cliff. SPLAT, INDEED.

But I can't bear the way the words are backing up in me, and how they are coming from all parts of me:  the political, the desperate, the philosophical, the bipolar maniac (whose mere letters to loved ones I'm somewhat annoyed with seem to burn like acid), and I don't know why. Twitter is a place I LOVE as i can shoot my little 140 character bullets in rapid fire when I'm enraged, for example with the GOP take down of Unions through the country, or the attacks on education, equal opportunity, CHOICE, and all the freedoms being stripped away from us in a 3 card Monte game where it's pretended THEY are losing freedoms.

Seriously, I am not joking. If you really think there's a whole lot of "opportunity" going on take a look at where opportunity starts -- education and equal rights. Lately it seems those educated jobs are being shipped out because the POWERS THAT BE do not give a good god-damn whether the populace is educated or not. What difference does it make in a global economy? Who cares if the country you have one of your half dozen mansions in has good security for ALL the people when you can buy your own security? Who cares about the education of the masses when you can send your kids to fine schools? Who cares about education when 'bots are waiting to take it all over??

Also, let us face this clearly: a less educated society is a more brutal, more malleable society. People become more easy to push around with words of hell and damnation and "Don't Tread on Me" -- oh puleeze. The sight of those yahoos "lockin' and loadin'" to try to scare the Prez and the populace made me sick -- victory through intimidation, morons? Aiiiieee, I am bitter, I admit it. The brighter side of bipolar will be visiting again.

Today I am depressed. We've all been reading an article about America having the most income disparity among the classes than most "civilized" countries including most of Europe. My friends, we have totally been had by our slave-meisters, the 1% who own close to 50% of the wealth. Start reading, people -- many people in the Arab nations had been wondering when we Americans would wake up to our OWN "Arab Spring"!!

They consider US, the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, to lack freedoms and opportunities, just as they do. They do not consider us "The Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave". They think that we, the country WE consider a lighthouse of freedom, is arthritic, grid-locked, and freaking incapable of change. The obstinacy of the GOP re Obama's picks for judiciary, etc. have gone by without an up or down vote -- want to know why?

It has been agreed among the upper echelons of the GOP that if they hold out long enough and maybe Obama isn't elected again, they can pack the judiciary with Republicans and our hope for a Democracy where both sides are debated, and compromised will disappear, possibly forever. Our chances to recover from that for generations are slim.

We are sliding towards the military-industrial-Congressional complex that President Eisenhower warned us about. By the way -- he included "Congressional" in that speech but the word was stricken out by a minion of some sort -- however our current political machinery is just what that good gentleman warned us about. If you take a look around, today's Republicans don't even consider REAGAN, their former GOD, particularly relevant. How did THAT happen in two years?

Selfishness is a more prevalent human characteristic than I'd ever thought, no matter how many times I've read and re-read Dickens "A Christmas Carol"! I am not sanguine about our future, as the Goblins are ruining the forests and the Orcs are running the businesses and as the bumper-sticker said: "Frodo Lost the Ring."

But wait! Not again! Could it be that my President, who has pulled goodness from devastation over and over, has displayed the old magic as he stepped back and tricked the LEADERS of the Republicans like John Boehner and Eric Cantor into showing which side of the income/Class barrier they are on?

In truth the GOP is on the side of the rich, and they have grabbed huge clumps of the badly educated population and taught them that the big ol' American issues are God, Guns & Gays! So instead of a reasonable debate, we get verbal insanity, religious fervor, the threat of violence and no sense of willingness to examine another Point of View, and that's not what I grew up thinking we Americans were all about..

Written 10-06-11

Self-Healing post Bipolar Breakdown

One of the things I've learned about living with "The Beast" from my teen-aged years on is that you never know when that sucker is going to re-claim its hold on your brain.  Knowing that the stats say it only gets worse with age leaves a person always looking over one's shoulder -- but where?  The enemy lies within and there are the moments where it takes everything to bear it, because one doesn't recall any other way of being nor does one anticipate relief -- ever.

As I go through the paperwork analyzing my financial fall from grace --  my dearly beloved ex left me well provided for, and my actions later -- the typical actions of a person suffering from an over-inflated idea of their abilities -- wiped out my financial security.  I trusted those that for reasons of their own should not have been trusted.  I did these things myself, to myself, and it is hard to own up to the fact that I am indeed my worst enemy at times.

It's not easy to go through the seemingly infinite amount of papers that shout out to me what an idiot I was, but it must be done, for there is no other way to prove that my 50/50 partner - he whose name shall not be uttered - ;-) - skipped out leaving the books undone and owing me enough money to augment what I still have and enable me to live decently for a few more years.  Oh the pain, the pain -- and worse still is the crushing loss of the family ties that this project represented.

Had I but known -- when one suffers from the "empty nest syndrome' or rather  when THIS one suffers, as I did so profoundly for so many years -- (bipolar adds to the festivities!), well - I found myself looking for surrogate children, as mine are a continent and an ocean away.  I found some great kids, but in my eagerness to play at business with them, managed somehow to ruin my financial life.

I know some of you may recall earlier posts stating I was on the brink of foreclosure -- thanks to the loving intervention of family members, the debt was taken care of.  However, I'm having to fight to get "my own" back financially, & the enormous task has me wondering every day if my brain will teeter over the brink.  When the tears come for no reason, and the refrain I always carry in my head for my girls plays, I can always tell that the old brain beastie is lurking.

"oooh, oooh I'm missing you; tell me why the road turns?"   by lionel ritchie for diana ross

So.  Ms. Julie -- what ARE you doing to rehabilitate yourself?  That's what they call it, you know, when people who have had significant psychological breaks or traumas try to re-integrate with society again - rehab, emotional rehab.

Well, I've developed a freaking healthy respect for this brain-basher of an "illness" or a "disorder" or whatever they call it -- I don't know; all I know is that IT, and not I, has been taken control and run me off the roads throughout my life starting in my teens.  It distresses me that I have tears streaming down my face as I write this, for there's nothing wrong today.  The sun shines, all is as it was.  And yet inside there is darkness and sorrow.  And I wonder -- oh my god is IT coming back?

In my beloved Marin County, when one does a free fall from plenty to indigence, there is a gracious social welfare system that treats the mentally ill.  I hope we can keep these needed services available.  For the first time ever I have access to a real live psychiatrist -- who validated the protocol given by my  GP of 15 or so years - the wonderful flash gordon, md., healer & author of many books, the latest being "Blood, Sweat & Second Gear" -- who as author Susie Bright said, SHOULD be Surgeon General of the U.S. - he's THAT good, but instead he's treating ordinary folk like us.

So I've gotten a Psych doc, and have started making the journey -- sometimes ecstatic, sometimes excruciating -- from the bedroom that has been my cell of choice during the last several years.

Reintegration with the rest of the human race is absolutely essential for people coming back from "the twilight zone" as I like to call it, a place of muted or non-existent desire, will to live -- a life in the shadows while all about you people go about normal lives and you wonder why you can't.  The very most basic current of life force is drained from you.

You wonder why it is so hard to speak to other people sometimes.  Even the ring of a telephone brings with it thoughts of three years of creditors harassing me, and the sound of the doorbell is terrifying!  I shake my head in wonderment at my own peculiarities. In reading further I find that social anxiety disorder is often part and parcel of this "thing" I've been born with.  In the National Institute of Mental Health URL, I found a chart of the various symptoms of both ends of the bipolar scale:

• A long period of feeling "high," or an overly happy or outgoing mood
• Extremely irritable mood, agitation, feeling "jumpy" or "wired."

Behavioral Changes

• Talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another, having racing thoughts
• Being easily distracted
• Increasing goal-directed activities, such as taking on new projects
• Being restless
• Sleeping little
• Having an unrealistic belief in one's abilities
• Behaving impulsively and taking part in a lot of pleasurable,
  high-risk behaviors, such as spending sprees, impulsive sex, and impulsive business investments.

• A long period of feeling worried or empty
• Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex.

Behavioral Changes

• Feeling tired or "slowed down"
• Having problems concentrating, remembering, and making decisions
• Being restless or irritable
• Changing eating, sleeping, or other habits
• Thinking of death or suicide, or attempting suicide.

And back and forth and over and over for the rest of one's life.  And I can tell you first hand it is not easy, this path.  Nor is it for the unfortunate family members that have to deal with you -- support groups, people!  Get your support somewhere, because you will need it.  It is most wearing to be around somebody who is profoundly depressed, the "identified patient" as such who might suck the life right out of the room.  Save yourselves!

 For my self-prescribed rehabilitation I decided that I needed a radical prescription, a big dose of other human beings!  My mate Patrick has been, for almost a year, helping out at the Marinwood Farmers' Market.  Soon he began selling Nana Mae Organics (apple products during the Great Recession- Depression) at this Market, about a mile away from our house.

I didn't think much of this at first -- Patrick (Asperger's, panic attacks, ADHD) picks up projects and puts them down -- besides, to do a Farmers' Market you have to be willing to -- ah -- get  up early.  Simply put, I could hate nothing more.  A morning person I am not.

But I began to wander on down around to visit around noon as I had the sneaking suspicion I could do better at sales than Patrick, who NEVER can stay at the booth for longer than 20 minutes at a time.  A little friendly competition with my sweetie got me out the door -- whatever works, say I.

And so began my now weekly forays down to the market.  At first I'd wait to go down until noon -- then earlier and earlier.  I go with Patrick now; we join the rest of the Vendors, and are always only slightly late, rumbling into our space around 9:10 AM to the amusement of our fellows, as we live only a mile away!

I noticed very quickly that the simple interchange between human beings is a tonic beyond almost anything a doctor can prescribe.  I love sitting down there in our little makeshift booth, making change the old-fashioned way from a wooden cigar box,  and for the first time in all the 26 years I've been here meeting and enjoying my neighbors while we all begin the project of neighborhood/community building here in Marinwood.

Why is that that simply the action of placing oneself in the midst of others heals?  Because the primary "food" for we spirits in human bodies is the interchange of energy through the eyes and the feeling heart, and that is one of the ways we fight the Beast within -- with the sweet medicine provided by our fellow human beings.

I have a much more upbeat account of these experiences to pass onto you, but today was not a day for that kind of writing.  Today was a day for acknowledging and expressing the hidden sorrow in the brain that twists life in the body/mind for more of us than you might think.  One can only persist.

Have a great Sunday!

PS:  I just came back from another self-prescribed dose of "medication" - a walk in the canyon by our house in order to spot bay laurel trees that seem to be infected with "sudden oak" and collecting specimens.  It's so beautiful out there -- I lay in the green grass and felt the sun warm me while I watched the little girls play in the brook, as my long lost children once did.  Unfortunately, my mind came with me and began to brood over my girls, but all in all, the experience served me well.  My mother always told me that all that could be done was to place one foot in front of the other.


That doesn't sound very deep, but could anything be more difficult sometimes?

Ah well, my dears -- don't mind me.  I'm just a wee tad bluish today.

I'll be back with a rapturous account of a splendid day at the Market!

Rumination upon Education

As the daughter of a teacher, I KNOW what my mother put into her four decades as both a fifth grade teacher and a high school teacher/college counselor.  She brought her job home every single day and most weekends.  That job dominated her life; she loved it and influenced countless lives positively.  She elevated the prospects of thousands of kids in the San Joaquin Valley and 29 Palms, California. A great many among them were children of seasonal migrant workers, mostly from Mexico, kids who lived with entire families in rooms the size of a small bedroom. 

At her funeral in 1994, I met a wonderful gentleman, at that point head of the local junior college, who told me that she was the reason that he, the American born son of Mexican migrant workers, was able to turn his passionate desire to succeed, help others, and prosper into reality.  I heard this said about my mother over and over again as she fulfilled her passionate desire to enlighten receptive minds.  That is what a Teacher does.

She was always passionate about her job.  One person CAN make a difference, and the public service workers of our country -- the teachers, the nurses, the firefighters & police -- each ONE of those people dedicate their lives to making a difference.  I believe they should be able to RETAIN the RIGHT to bargain with the Big Boss Men, who already, it seems, believe they should be as kings unto their workers.  Gah!
 
United (Union!) we stand, divided, we are cracked like dried twigs, which is pretty much what they want, isn’t it?

The sneak attack by the GOP in Wisconsin that killed collective bargaining in Wisconsin smacks of tyranny to me.  For example, when these slick creeps demean teachers, they are attacking societal fundamentals.  Do we, as a nation, value education?  Do we value educating the blue collar/middle class family as much as we value educating their peers at a higher social level?  If not, why not?


We’ve always had issues with class in this country.  We’ve had slavery, indentured servitude, the plight of women, children, the sick and the elderly who can’t fend for themselves.  And there has always been the model of the Banker (Big Business usually = GOP) with the cold heart in this country – plenty of those around today.  (“If you don’t give me the deed to your ranch I’m gonna tie you to the railroad tracks”)

Tell me, O weasel-eyed Governors with eyes of flint - I would like to know how destroying our precious national safety nets will do anything but impoverish those too weak to pull themselves up, thereby weakening our national fabric.  These “nets” are in place; they serve the people.  Honestly, really – what will take their place?  Smile, say "charity" and I will laugh in your face.

What happens when there’s no protection for the firemen, the teachers, the police, the drivers -- the We that are the People?  For Governor Walker to act like an over-confident bully, smashing the long-held values and Rights of a state known for securing those Rights, thereby paving the way for the rest of us, was viscerally shocking to me.

Governor Walker appears to be a mini-dictator, and there are several others of his ilk governing other states.  Their aim is to strip the Democratic Party of their one power base, the Unions, and to prevent President Obama from being elected or from achieving policy objectives.  It is also Karl Rove’s Machiavellian goal to achieve total GOP dominance within all systems of government.  If that happens, kiss the idea of America goodbye.

The state of Wisconsin is not supposed to be a dictatorship, run by a Governor with an unseemly urge to please billionaire businessmen such as the Koch Bros. His mini-dictatorship is somehow protected by states-rights while the rest of us watch in horror, wondering what next parliamentary bit of deviance will be used inappropriately.

In my state, California, a Democrat Governor was recalled a few years ago for NOTHING compared to what Governor Walker is doing, and I mean NOTHING.  I have nothing against Governor Schwarzenegger - I came to be quite fond of him -- he's MY kind of GOP-GOV.  I like moderate Republicans -- we do have a lot in common. I want to cultivate that love of the moderate which is unfamiliar to the flaming Progressive!

It's time to unite from within the center, reaching out -- reaching out to one another with a sense of inclusion towards ALL except the bat shit crazy.  I refuse to take this challenge to our working people without reacting in a protective fashion -- as they have protected us.  I refuse to watch a challenge to education in this country without working to educate people about why it matters!

People must know why a wide, stimulated, open & well-trained mind is worth more than gold.  The fewer great minds we have, the lower is our status as a country, period.  I would feel more comfortable with the direction of our country if we pointed our kids in the direction of math/science/saving the earth than by bombing the crap out of it.

When we stop respecting education, we are stale, through.  Do you hear me, America? WE – the almighty paragons of remarkable excellence, are on the verge of being  finished, second rate.  Our worth, capacity, flexibility and vigor as a nation are diminished; our educational scores are mediocre, our intellectual appetite dulled.   The mediocre are easily led like sheep, which makes me wonder if it’s too late already.  Again, how have we arrived at this point?

We have failed to educate our people. When people are not trained to think, they cannot discriminate.  Lack of discrimination leads to collective failures in judgment, resulting in cultural lurches like allowing GW Bush to invade Iraq (President Clinton was impeached for infinitely  less), forgetting the Bush years so easily, forgetting who the real Party of the People has always been, which led to the stupid, impatient results of the last election, etc.

Remember the old adage about getting the Government one deserves?  It seems that most of Congress has been bought off and now these Governors too. What do the Koch Brothers have to do with all of this and HOW do they stand to gain?  AND DON’T THEY HAVE ENOUGH WEALTH, NOW REALLY?? The idea that they have anything to do with policy that impoverishes the rest of America sickens me.

If you haven't noticed anything peculiar yet, to arms, to arms -- the Corporations are coming!